


the avengers™

by rosybelle



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gayness, M/M, Married Couple, Sins, but that does not mean they are not super people, overuse of ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), run while u still can, they are not super in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-12 17:22:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 15,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7942837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosybelle/pseuds/rosybelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the avengers group chat au that no one asked for</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. gurrrrrrl

**Author's Note:**

> avengers group chat au. warning: in this fic they have no powers and are just innocent children trying to live
> 
> Tony: richbich  
> Bucky: winteriscoming  
> Natasha: russianhoe  
> Clint: watchlikeahawk  
> Bruce: imangry  
> Thor: mythicalhair  
> Steve: patrioticsass

_You have created the chat_ : " _ **ass kickin' avengers**_ "  
  
**richbich** _has added: **russianhoe**_ , _ **patrioticsass**_ , _**winteriscoming**_ , _**imangry**_ , _**mythicalhair**_ , and _ **watchlikeahawk**_

 **russianhoe** : what am i doing here... in this chat which i can psychically predict will be full of sins and drama...

 **richbich** : shut the fuck up nat this is gonna be fun

 **winteriscoming** : be careful tony, natalia once predicted i would be confronted by a big-fuck up one day, and then i met u

 **richbich** : i am going to ignore that last comment bc i know how emo™ u've been over steve's.....mistake

 **winteriscoming** : mistake??? that hoe wouldnt know how much of a MISTAKE he's made if i covered it in applesauce and named it peggy carter !!

 **russiahoe** : dont do steve like this

 **patrioticsass** : yeah especially if he's in the same chat as u...

 **watchlikeahawk** : oh shit

 **winteriscoming** : oh so now u show up ? in a group chat with our friends ???

 **patrioticsass** : bucky, i already told you fury made me help with the new recruits, im sorry i missed ur project runway marathon... plus im home now :)

 **winteriscoming** : i can't belive my own husband would do heidi like this...

 **russianhoe** : james you are 27 yrs old i think you should understand that heidi klum is a tad less important that your husbands sophisticated government job as a professional ass-kicker, and an excellent one at that

 **patrioticsass** : aw nat...

 **richbich:** this drama is making me sweat

 **richbich** : either that or all the working-out i've been doing because im not as lazy as u fuckers

 **richbich** : also, clint, u need to stop making interruptive comments whenever drama is unfolding u hear

 **watchlikeahawk** : k dad

 **steve** : hello clint !!

 **watchlikeahawk** : yo steve whats going on

 **steve** : nothing much, u?

 **watchlikeahawk** : watching the kids :/

 **watchlikeahawk** : they are me making watch the new tmnt movie... i'm the most unfortunate person in the world rn save me....

 **russianhoe** : clint there are people dying in third world countries

 **watchlikeahalk** : shut up

 **watchlikeahalk** : i'm sorry nat i haven't had sex in like a month.... im v cranky

 **patrioticsass** : omg i didn't need to know that!

 **richbich** : oh pls does the word sex bother u

 **patrioticsass** : yes it does, in fact, bother be anthony

 **russianhoe** : omg you're right steve !! we need to watch our mouths around Innocent, Virgin Steven Grant Rogers-Barnes™️

 **patrioticsass** : ur right natasha i have never had sex in my entire life and i do not plan to

 **winteriscoming** : you had my dick so far up ur ass that cum has shot out of ur nostrils less than 6 mins ago so don't play

 **richbich** : o h my od

 **russianhoe** : i did not need to know that james buchanan fuck

 **watchlikeahawk** : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **watchlikeahawk** : wait

 **watchlikeahawk** : steve u were texting me 6 mins ago??

 **patrioticsass**   _has left the chat._

 **richbich** : OMG CLINT U FUCKING EXPOSED HIS PERFECT ALL-AMERICAN ASS

 **watchlikeahawk:** omg i can't believe 

 **russianhoe** : does it wound ur pride knowing that ur husband is so bored during sex that he texts in a groupchat full of sins to pass the time

 **winteriscoming:** naw lol we text all the time during sex it's kind of like a game

 **richbich:** fucking nasty i can't trust u anymore

 **winteriscoming** :¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **watchlikeahawk** :... anyway

 **mysticalhair:** hello

                                                                                                                 **patrioticsass** _has entered the chat._

 **patrioticsass:**  thor!!!!

 **russianhoe** : how tf did u know thor came into the chat ??

 **patrioticsass:** i have thor senses. i love my sweet summer son/sun

 **winteriscoming** : that's creepy 

 **russianhoe:** you're just jealous that steve is more happy abt seeing thor than he ever is abt seeing u

 **winteriscoming** : shut ur whore mouth susan

 **patrioticsass:** guys!! thor!!!!!

 **patrioticsass:** i have missed u my son :')))))))

 **patrioticsass** : how is asgard!!??

 **mysticalhair** : Amazing! I miss you all, though.

 **russianhoe:** :'))))))

 **winteriscoming:** :'))))))

 **richbich** : :'))))))

 **patrioticsass** **:** omg we miss u too!!

 **mystical** **hair** : omg, I have to go, Loki again

 **richbich** : NO FUCK COME BACk

 **patrioticsass:** guys do u think thor is dead

 **russianhoe:** yeah 

 **watchlikeahawk** : will he be okay

 **russianhoe:** yeah but he's dead

 **winteriscoming:** why do u guys think thor is dead ??

 **richbich** : bc his brother is a bitter murderous trust fund baby who is upset with his papa because he was adopted and hes super EMOtional and joined a gang to vent

 **richbich** : and now he's on some weird quest to actually murder thor?? idk but he's come rrly close a couple of times

 **richbich:** thor convinced fury to pit him on house arrest which was a reaLLY BAD IDEA

 **winteriscoming:** aw thor

 **patrioticsass** : no matter how many times loki has fucked up, thor has always forgiven him the little shit

 **watchlikeahawk:** u guys guess what !!!!

 **richbich:** what

 **watchlikeahawk** : i have been relieved of parent duty!!!!

 **watchlikeahawk:** plus the night is still young

 **watchlikeahawk:** do u guys want to go clubbing

 **richbich:** yes

 **russianhoe** : yes

 **patrioticsass** : yes

 **winteriscoming** : yes

 **russianhoe** : one thing tho

 **russianhoe:** james can u stop looking at everyone who approaches steve like they're some kind of neo nazi 

 **winteriscoming:** why

 **winteriscoming:** r u saying that i can't be annoyed with ppl flirting with my husband ??? why natalia

 **russianhoe:** bc it's really obvious

 **winteriscoming:** hopefully not as obvious as ur weave

**russianhoe** _has left the chat._

**winteriscoming:**  OH BOIIII

 **patrioticsass:** can we just pls go... 

 **watchlikeahawk:** what about nat?

 **winteriscoming:** oh please u know that hoe would never give up something as glorious as a fully stocked bar

 **watchlikeahawk:** oh shit u right

 **patrioticsass:** let's roll

     _Saturday, 1:09 AM_

 **winteriscoming:** fukc

 **russianhoe:** what thaf mena

 **patrioticsass:** clint why did u give them back their phones?

 **watchlikeahawk:** llo idk

 **winterbiscoming:** babe ur not drink ???

 **watchlikeahawk:** srry no homo

 **winteriscoming:** no shit up clit 

 **winteriscoming:** i ment me husban 

 **patrioticsass:** no bucky i am driving u all home, remember

 **winteriscoming:** what !! i can do ot!

 **russianhoe:** n ur drunk

 **winteriscoming:** u r to

 **russianhoe:** o shit u rigt

 **watchlikeahawk:** omh who tf suggiste this 

 **patrioticsass:** you did clint

 **watchlikeahawk** : fuck wht a dum bass 

 **winteriscoming** : BAEB WHTA R U DOING ??

 **winteriscoming:** UNHAN THAT MNA 

 **patrioticsass:** baby clint fell over im just helping him out

 **russianhoe:** yea u need to chillll

 **russianhoe:** aw fck thats a ht girl

 **patrioticsass:** we need to go home

 **winteriscoming:** steveeeeee

 **watchlikeahawk:** pls lets go

 **patrioticsass:** nat where are u we're in the car???

 **russianhoe** : i am at hoat irls house 

 **patrioticsass:** omg natasha stay safe ok??? don't do anything u dont want to and call me if anything happens ill see u in the morning

                                                                                                      _Saturday, 3:56 PM_

 **winteriscoming:** fuck

 

 

 

                                                                                                

 

                                                                                  


	2. the great fall of tony stark™️

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boi

_You have entered the chat: "_ **ass kickin' avengers** _"_

 **winteriscoming** : fuck

 **russianhoe:** omg....ya'll..

 **russianhoe:** this girl gave me the best head last night... and she didn't tell me her name !!

 **russianhoe:** this pounding headache doesn't have anything on the pounding she gave me amirite 

 **patrioticsass:** same

 **patrioticsass:** did i ever tell you guys the story of how buck asked me out ??

 **winteriscoming:** shutthefuckupshutthefuckupshutthefuckupshutthefuckupshutthefck 

 **richbich:** do it

 **russianhoe:** do it

 **winteriscoming:** STEVEN GRANT I SWEAR IF YOU DO THIS CONSIDER YOUR ASS DIVORCED yOU HEAR ME D I V O R C E D 

 **patrioticsass:** so it was in the summer

 **winteriscoming:** ,,,fukc,,

 **patrioticsass:** buck and i were already close friends and we were both pining after eachother

 **patrioticsass:** one day after class  bucky said"ur so hot u denatured me enzymes"

 **patrioticsass:** and he realized he said " me" instead of "my" and he said "shit fuck i meant my enzymes"

 **patrioticsass:** and then he went dead serious and "will you please go out with me" and then fainted  

 **russianhoe:** GAY

 **winteriscoming:** shut the fuck up nat ur gay ass could out gay us in any gay contest u gay 

 **russianhoe:** rude bitch

 **richbich:** I CANT BRETHA

 **richbich:** U FAINTED ????

 **winteriscoming:** SHUT THE FUCK UP TONY REMEMBER WHEN UR GAY ASS STARED AT THOR'S ASS FOR A FULL TEN MINUTES AND THEN SAID "WHAT A THOR-OUGHLY FAT ASS GAH DAMN" ????

 **richbich:** u know what fukc this fckn toxic family pepper wouldn traet me like this fck

 **richbich** _has left the chat._

 **russianhoe:** FUCKING DRGAGED 

 **winteriscoming** has sent an image:  **elmoinflames.jpg**

 **patrioticsass:** u did amazing sweetie

 **winteriscoming: :** ')))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 **russianhoe:** james u have inspired me

 **russianhoe** : to rOAST TONY STARK'S PRIVILEGED TRUST FUND BABY ASS

 **imangry:** I heard we were roasting Tony

 **patrioticsass:** omg bruce DRAG HIS ASSS

 **imangry:** Do not fret, children, I will drag his ass through hell and back

 **russianhoe:** DO IT DAD

 **russianhoe** _has added_ **richbich** _to the chat._

 **richbich:**  are you ready to apologize, james?

 **imangry:** I have been summoned to roast you, Tony

 **richbich:** um ?? bruce idk how to tell u this but u can't roast for shit

 **russianhoe:** BOI HE BOUT TO DO IT

 **imangry:** i can't roast ??? really ???

 **imangy:** noah fence tony but u wouldn't know what roasting was if it slapped it's dick across ur face

 **imangry:** nvm you'd probably like that

 **imangry:** you think your so smart?? ur ass would be on the side of the road rn if you weren't a trust fund baby

 **imangry:** if only ur sense of self-worth was as strong as ur daddy issues,,,, 

 **russianhoe** : u reek of privilege

 **russianhoe:** i'd rather go back to russia during the winter and die of pneumonia than see ur smug-ass annoying face

 **russianhoe:** ur stubble looks like someone rubbed crusty shit all over your face and called it a 'modern look'

 **russianhoe:** your hair lets out ur inner fuckboy

 **winteriscoming:** the smell of ur axe body spray could be smelt by my dead mother

 **patrioticsass:**  you only get spice in your life by screwing girls with names like pepper

 **richbich**   _has left the chat._

 **patrioticsass:**  god fucking dammit i didn't get to roast him enough

 **imangry** : We dragged that bitch's ass

 **russianhoe** : BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

 **winteriscoming:** burned to a fuckin crisp y'all

 **richbich** _has entered the chat._

 **russianhoe:**  hello, anthony. came to beg for mercy?

 **richbich:** :)

 **richbich** _has added_ **mspotts** _to the chat._

 **mspotts:**  Hello, everyone.

 **mspotts:** I'll just cut to the chase.

 **mspotts:** Natasha, please remove that perm-looking weave from your head, it makes you look like my grandmother before her passing.

 **mspotts:** On that note, Bucky, stop bringing your dead relatives into things, it makes you seem more sad and pathetic that your greasy hair does.

 **mspotts:** Bruce, when you get angry, you look like a rotten lime. Also, your hair is graying fasting than the polar icecaps are melting. Find a good masseuse.

 **mspotts:** And Steve, your amount of self-worth is shittier than Tony's, which is saying something.

 **patrioticsass:** but i'm ur son :((

 **mspotts:** Suck my ass.

 **mspotts:** Have a nice day.

**__patrioticsass, russianhoe, winteriscoming, imangry,** _and ****_**mspotts __**_have left the chat._

**richbich:** :'))))))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. here come dat b0i

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a dispute leads to an avatar: the last airbender shipping war

_You have entered the chat:_ **" ass kickin' avengers"**

**winteriscoming:** y'all,,,,,,

**winteriscoming:** aint ready,,,

**winteriscoming:** fuck,,,,

**winteriscoming:** ur gonna wish u married such a fine ass,,,

**winteriscoming** _has sent an image:_ **themostluscioiusass.jpg**

**winteriscoming** _has sent an image:_ **succcc.jpg**

**winteriscoming** _has sent as image:_ **lookatmysonprideisnotthewordimlookingfor.jpg**

**russianhoe:** IM sO FUKCKING HETERO RIGHT NOW

**russianhoe:** THICCC

**watchlikeahawk:** i have risen from the grave just to look at that beauty gah damn

**imangry:** You look so beautiful, Steve!! I hope you have an amazing wedding anniversary dinner !!

**richbich:** ur looking good, rogers

**winteriscoming:** looking good ??? just looking good ???

**winteriscoming:** more like fuck me daddy

**imangry, richbich, watchlikeahawk,** _and_ **russianhoe** _have left the chat._

**winteriscoming:** just u and me babe ;)

**patrioticsass** _has left the chat._

**winteriscoming:** god fucking dammit

_Tuesday, 12:17 AM_

 

**mysticalhair:** Hello, everyone!

**mysticalhair:** I am at the airport, can someone please pick me up?

**patrioticsass:** i am on my way bby xoxoxo

**mysticalhair:** <3

**winteriscoming:** steve literally  pulled out mid-thrust and then screamed "MY SON HAS ARRIVED!!!!"

**richbich:** thats tragic

**russianhoe:** can y'all shut the fuck up im trying to sleep

**winteriscoming:** no amount of sleep could ever cure ur dark circles

**russainhoe:** and no amount of showers could ever prevent ur hair from looking greasier than the fryers at wendy's 

**winteriscoming** _has left the chat._

**russianhoe:**  ha got em 

**patrioticsass:** at least he doesn't need to wear wrinkle cream...

**russianhoe** _has left the chat._

**patrioticsass:**  fuck,yall

**patrioticsass:** peggy just texted me,,,,

**watchlikeahawk:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**richbich:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**mysticalhair:** Who is Peggy???

**patrioticsass:** this girl i dated yearrsss ago who everyone thinks i still have a thing for eVEN THOUGH IVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS AS OF YESTERDAY

**patrioticsass** : but she's really badass and shit but really sweet and understanding when u get to know her and ugh

**patrioticsass:** she's a really good person

**richbich:** and u wonder why people think ur still into her....

**mysticalhair:** I does seem like you still have affection for her

**patrioticsass:** i really dont... its just we ended on a bad note and her sister sharon is into me and ugh 

**patrioticsass:** plus bucky HATES her

**watchlikeahawk:** bucky hates all of ur exes

**watchlikeahawk:** remember when sam asked u for a another try at a relationship after u and bucky broke up and the next day bucky literally started a petition to get him fired from sheld

**watchlikeahwk:** he is the pettiest motherfucker i know 

**richbich** _has added_ **winteriscoming** _to the chat._

**mysticalhair:**  James!

**winteriscoming:** my husband left me in the middle of sexytimes to come and get u

**mysticalhair:**...

**winteriscoming:** dammit why r u so hard to stay mad at

**richbich:** marg texted ur husband 

**winteriscoming:** she did wHat

**patrioticsass:** bucky, i'm allowed to speak to my exes

**winteriscoming:** omg i steve i know that it's just she always so rude around me and she's still rrly bitter abt ur breakup i Hate Her 

**winteriscoming:** also she ships zutara

**watchlikeahawk:**.. are you saying that you are against Zutara, the most beautiful and underappreciated ship of all time

**winteriscoming:** r u saying that zutara is actually a thing which a number of people enjoy???

**winteriscoming:** #Kataang4Life

**richbich:** u fuckers and ur hetero ships ...

**richbich:** everyone knows sokka and zuko were meant to be 

****

_________________________

_You have received a message from_ **patrioticsass** _._

**patrioticsass:** natasha come quick they are having an avatar shipping battle

**russianhoe:** fcuk                                                                                          _________________________

_You have entered the chat: " **ass kickin' avengers".**_

**russianhoe: #** Zutara4Life

**winteriscoming:** whe the fuck the f uCK t f fuck

**watchlikeahawk:** thx babe

**russianhoe:** np babe i gotchu

**winteriscoming:** natalia i can't believe i trusted u... after all these years... and u shipped ZUTARA 

**russianhoe:** james listen

**russianhoe:** zuko took A WHOPPING 100 BOLTS OF LIGHTING TO THE HEART to save KATARA and KATARA LITERALLY CRIED TEARS OF RELIEF WHEN HE TURNED OUT TO BE ALIVE SO DON"T GIVE ME THAT CANON BULLSHIT JAMES BUCHANAN 

**winteriscoming:** THATS A VALID POINT BUT AANG AND KATARA HAVE BEEN THERE FOR EACHOTHER EVER SINCE EPISODE ONE AND THEY HAVE SACRIFICED THEIR LIVES FOR EACHOTHER SO MANY TIMES

**winteriscoming:** BABE HELP ME ON THIS 

**patrioticsass:**....

**winteriscoming:** don't you fuckubg dare u lil shit

**patrioticsass:** #Zutara4Life

**winteriscoming:** FUCK

**winteriscoming:** i never expected this from u... but what i don't understand is why ? why would you do it?

**patrioticsass:** i guess u miscalculated,,,, i love zutara more than i fear u

**watchlikeahawk:** ( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°) me an the #zutara crew

**mysticalhair:** You Americans are so petty... arguing over the silliest things...

**russianhoe:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**watchlikeahawk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**patrioticsass:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**watchlikeahawk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**mysticalhair:**....

**mysticalhair:** #Maiko4Life

**richbich:** u know what fuck this

**richbich** _has added_ **imangry** _to the chat._

**richbich:** drop the statement of neutrality banner

**imangry:** Y'all, I may be a Zutara shipper at heart, but we must all accept the fact that each on of the ATLA ships have complex reasoning. We must all respect each other, no matter if we ship Zutara, Kataang, Maiko, Zokka, are anything else. Let us all bask in the glory of the greatest animated series of all time.

**winteriscoming:** ... RT

**patrioticsass:** RT

**watchlikeahawk:** RT

**richbich:** RT

**mysticalhair:** RT

**imangry:** :)

**russianhoe:**... i have a big fucking bong i just brought do y'all wanna smoke some weed

**winteriscoming:**... alright

 

 


	4. the sad one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst™️

_You have entered the chat: "_ **steve rogers is a punk bitch** " 

**russianhoe:** y'all,,,,

**watchikeahawk:** what the fuck did steve do

**russianhoe:** first of all

**russianhoe:** nothing i said implied that steve did anything

**winteriscoming:** what the fuck did he do

**russianhoe:** fck okay

**russianhoe:** we were gonna take a lil roadtrip into d.c to see the new museum of african american culture but we were gonna stop in manhattan first to get breakfast  

**russianhoe:** so we were waiting for the subway to come all of a sudden a stray cat comes out of no where and falls onto the fucking tracks

**russianhoe:** and he starts screaming "hey cat !! look out !" as if it could understand him

**russianhoe:** and then he jumps off the platform, grabs the cat, and climbs back up seconds before the subway came 

**richbich:** wow wtf is he suicidal or something ?

**imangry:** bucky... 

**winteriscoming:** where are you guys now

**russianhoe:** we're at the vet, apparently the cat's leg is broken

**winteriscoming:** im going over there

**russianhoe:** omg don't ??

**russianhoe:** normally i wouldn't stop you but there is a little girl in the waiting room who just learned that her dog died of cancer and i don't think she needs a 220 lb manifestation of rage to confront his spouse right in front of her rn

**russianhoe:** also there's this hot chick named sharon here and she might actually kill you if you go near him

**winteriscoming:** i am going over there right NOW

**richbich:** great now the little girl will have to face the Manifestation of Rage and Jealousy That Is James Buchanan Barnes™️

**imangry:** bucky you don't have to go!

**imangry:** nvm i heard his Rage Stomp™️ from upstairs

**watchlikeahawk:** oh yeah thanks natasha for bringing up one of his main sources of insecurity 

**russianhoe:** i didn't mean to

**richbich:** why is bucky so insecure about sharon anyway? i mean they are married

**russianhoe:** it probably has something to do with the fact that steve would willingly fuck anything with the name "carter" attached to it. also james has Certain Confidential Mental Issues that only steve and i know abt 

**russianhoe:** omfg god u guys i told steve that bucky was coming and that he was very pissed off and he looked back at me, the fear of god in his eyes, and said "natasha i swear to you, if you can get us out of here without bucky tracking us in any way i will buy you that anastasia moon child glow kit."

**watchlikeahawk:** bitch,,,

**russianhoe:** ik!!!

**russianhoe:** thankfully i have like 40 mins to plan Our Great Escape 

**russianhoe:** nvm he will NOt leave the cat's side he is so fucking annoying

**richbich:** tell him about the 2 story apple bakery we went to last week nat

**russianhoe:** oh yeah !!

**russianhoe:** we are on our way

**imangry:** wait, how are you going to keep bucky from tracking you ??

**russianhoe:** i've known james since i was a kid, i know his methods

**russianhoe:** also he hates apples

**russianhoe:** steve is now eating an apple cupcake with a very content smile on his face he is so cute  

**watchlikeahawk:** make sure he gets you that fucking palette 

**russianhoe:** oh he will

**winteriscoming:** you guys know im in this chat right

**russianhoe:** fuck i can't believe we forgot that he was in this chat

**winteriscoming:** changing my route 

**winteriscoming:** eta: 1 min

**russianhoe:** FUCKN I AM RUNNING 

**richbich:** how tf does he go places so quickly ??

**watchlikeahawk:** nat where are you taking him??

**watchlikeahawk:** ok she hasn't answered in like 10 mins im kinda scared

**russianhoe:** guess who just got anastasia beverley hills' moon child glow kit !

**watchlikeahawk:** um where are u ??

**russianhoe:** oh james found us im at his apartment in brooklyn

**richbich:** nat are u okay?? you sound sound surprisingly nonchalant for someone who's about to be murdered

**russianhoe:** oh lol don't worry james locked me in his bathroom 

**russianhoe:** i'm just chilling and trying to ignore the miscellaneous white stain on their sink counter

**watchlikeahawk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**imangry:** ok but are they fighting or anything?? im worried

**russianhoe:** i have no fucking clue they soundproofed all the rooms in the place ever since The Great Honeymoon Incident of 2011™️

**richbich:** what is The Great Honeymoon Incident of 2011™️??

**russianhoe:** after steve and buck's wedding clint and i wanted to congratulate them so we went to their apartment and when we walked in i heard tHE LOUDEST MOANS AND BEDSPRING NOISES EVER LIKE EVERY SEX NOISE IMAGINABLE WAS HEARD THAT NIGHT 

**russianhoe:** and being the shameless bitch that i am i walked into their bedroom and i found them fucking x103923288657677643245679865

**russianhoe:** so yeah i guess you could say we are both equally traumatized 

**richbich:** fuck i regret asking

**watchlikeahawk:** yeah im so fucking lucky im deaf

* * *

_You have received a message from:_ **winteriscoming**

**winteriscoming:** steve and i are getting a divorce 

**russianhoe:** no

**russianhoe:** you don't get to do that to eachother

**russianhoe:** james, i have known you since i was a teenager. i know you

**russianhoe:** you and steve are extremely co-dependent, but that's another problem

**russianhoe:** i know a thing or two about that, and i am telling you, as someone who loves and cares for you, don't do it

**russianhoe:** the separtation will destroy you

**winteriscoming:** jesus fucking christ nat i know 

**winteriscoming:** i can't be with someone who doesn't give a shit about themselves and takes on bullshit risks just for the hell of it 

**winteriscoming:** we are too fucking young

**russianhoe:** this is serious

**russianhoe:** i am not going to stop you

**russianhoe:** but this sort of decision takes serious consideration, and i know that you would have never gotten divorced from him up until this point

**winteriscoming:** you know what, i think you're right

**winteriscoming:** i just wanted you to know before anyone else did. i'm sorry i didn't talk to you in person about this

**winteriscoming:** i can't even think of the word divorce without breaking down rn 

**russianhoe:** and i'll help you, but first you gotta lock me out of this bathroom

**winteriscoming:** oh shit sorry

 

 

 

                                      

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i have the actual power to break up America's Most Patriotic Couple™️


	5. got u there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im just fucking with y'all ft loki being a shithead like always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter. school is being a lil bitch rn

_You have just entered the chat:_ **ass kickin' avengers**

 _You have changed the chat named to:_ **Bucky and Steve's Big News**

 **patrioticsass:** hello, everyone

 **winteriscoming:** hey

 **patrioticsass:** it has come to my attention that the recent news that has come up has caused some mild distress among you all

 **patrioticsass:** in fact, i want to clear the air: bucky and i are NOT getting a divorce

 **russianhoe:** oh thank god

 **richbich:** oh thank god

 **imangry:** oh thank god

 **watchlikeahawk:** oh thank god

 **mysticalhair:** oh thank god

 **winteriscoming:** yeah we're just separating the finical benefits that come with marriage are to good to let go

 **russianhoe:** [not on my watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyXgFZhh9Ws)

 **russianhoe:** you do NOT get to disrespect me

 **winteriscoming** : wow nat great to know that u use memes in time of emotional distress

 **winteriscoming:** anyway i was just joking

 **winteriscoming** : we went to a marriage counselor for like one day and then we decided we were ok

 **richbich:** i was going to make a joke abt how i wish my parents' problems were as easily solved as that but then i realized that my parents are fucking dead

 **russianhoe:** all of our parents are fucking dead

 **richbich:** man ur right 

 **russianhoe:** actually??? thor's dad is still alive

 **russianhoe:** thor??????????????

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:**  thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:**  thor

 **richbich:**  thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:**  thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:**  thor

 **richbich:** thor

 **richbich:**  thor

 **mysticalhair:** Please,,,, stop

 **richbich** : oh lol just checking to see if u were dead 

 **mysticalhair:** I have never felt any better.

 **patrioticsass:** you're lack of excited exclamation makes me worry. bby are you okay ??

 **mysticalhair:** Oh, Steve, you know me so well :) I'm okay, just a bit upset

 **winteriscoming:** ew wtf why u flirting

 **mysticalhair:** shut the fuck up trick ass hoe

 **winteriscoming** _has sent a photo:_ **rihannaisshocked.jpg**

 **russianhoe** _has sent a photo:_ **watchoutwatchoutwatchout.jpg**

 **mysticalhair:** Buck, I am so so so sorry!!!

 **mysticalhair:** It wasn't my intention to lash out at you like that...

 **winteriscoming:** aw thor its ok

  **winteriscoming:** besides, its not like im not used to that langauge

 **winteriscoming:** especially in the bedroom ;) @ steve

                                  **russianhoe, mysticalhair, watchlikeahawk, richbich,** _and_ **patrioticsass** _have left the chat._

 **winteriscoming:**  god fucking dammit

 **winteriscoming** _has added_ **patrioticsass, mysticalhair, watchlikeahawk,** _and_ **richbich** _to the chat._

 **winteriscoming:** damn im sorry can't y'all take a joke

 **russianhoe:** no 

 **mysticalhair:** Everyone??

 **mysticalhair:** Do you mind if I add Loki to the chat?

 **watchlikeahawk:** NO

 **patrioticsass:** no wtf

 **winteriscoming:**...

 **russianhoe:** oh god

 **mysticalhair:**  Why not????

 **patrioticsass:** your brother is a whiny LITTLE SHIT who has tried to kill us all on multiple occasions  

 **watchlikeahawk:** HE DRUGGED ME

 **patrioticsass:** he's a fucking shit 

 **mysticalhair:** Please??? Gilmore Girls marathon is on tonight and he threatened to destroy the TV if I don't let him in!!

 **russianhoe:** and ur just gonna stand for that shit??

 **russianhoe:** u could easily kill ur shithead bro and take the TV as a victory trophy

 **watchlikeahawk:** E N D H I M

 **mysticalhair:** ,,,,, It;s Gilmore Girls,,,,,,

 **patrioticsass:** you guys??? we can just easily remove him if he starts shit

 **winteriscoming:** i never met the quy...... let him in

 **watchlikeahawk:**..... im fucking leaving

          **watchlikeahawk** _has left the chat._

 **russianhoe:**  u know what fuck it

 **mysticalhair:** :D:D:D:D

       **mysticalhair** _has added_ **lokiiXD** _to the chat._

 **lokiiXD:**  hell(o)

 **russianhoe:** CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME 

 **lokiiXD:** and what is so wrong with my username? does it offend you, natasha?

 **patrioticsass:** it sounds like something out of 2008 so step off bitch and stop acting so condescending you little shit

 **lokiiXD:** steven, you're so hot when you're mad. but of course, there are more productive ways to express your anger, if you catch my meaning ;)

 **patrioticsass:** great shithead you just made bucky punch the fucking wall

 **patrioticsass** _has sent a photo:_ **lookatthatfuckingdent.jpg**

 **mysticalhair:** Loki, you told me you would be nice to my friends :(

 **lokiiXD:** fuck off

 **winteriscoming:** shut the fuck up

 **lokiiXD:** ебать меня, советский папа

 **patrioticsass:** i

 **winteriscoming:**...

 **russianhoe** _has banned_ **lokiiXD** _from entering this chat._

 **winteriscoming:**  did that fucker call me soviet dad through google translate 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                       

 

                                    


	6. omfg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nat truly is a russian hoe

_You have received a message from:_

**russianhoe:** omfg,,,,,, bitch,,,,,, you'd never fucking guess what happened rn,,,,,,

 **winteriscoming:** omg wtf tf happened 

 **russianhoe:** u know how i've been hoeing around lately??? like more than usual???

 **winteriscoming:** idk bitch u've been hoeing like usual,,,,, tf happened??

 **russianhoe:** tf i thought i was being more of a hoe than usual? ugh nevermind lol

 **russianhoe:** ok anyway

 **russianhoe:** i'm at tony's rn right

 **russianhoe:** and so tony pepper bruce and i were watching a law and order svu marathon

 **russianhoe:** and all of a sudden this girl came in??? just walked in and plopped herself down on the fucking coach??? and tony just handed her a glass of champagne???

 **winteriscoming:** did you fuck????? 

 **russianhoe:** shut the fuck up omg 

 **russianhoe:** anyway,,,,,,

 **russianhoe:** i sort of recognized her from somewhere,,,,, like we met each other before,,,,,,, and she was really beautiful and seemed sweet from the convo she and pepper were having and i was like????? im gonna talk to her 

 **russianhoe:** so i said "hey im natasha ;)))" and i was like oh yeah i got this bitch on lock

 **russianhoe:** girls can't resist my highlight,,,,, that anastasia beverly hills moonchild glow kit did fucking wonders,,,,, 

 **russianhoe:** and she was like "hey my name is maria hill"

 **winteriscoming:** bitch how did tony get fury's right hand man to his house??? tf

 **russianhoe:** Ikr????

 **russianhoe:** anyway,,,

 **russianhoe:** i saw her around headquarters before and i was like "oh shit! that where i know this bitch from!"  

 **russianhoe:** but something was still missing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 **russianhoe:** and then i was like,,,,,,, i know a maria hill

 **russianhoe:** and bitch guess the fuck what

 **russianhoe:** maria was the girl i met at the bar! that i hooked up with!!!!!

 **winteriscoming:** ,,,,,,,, natalia we go to a bar every other day i need you to be more specific

 **russianhoe**   _has sent an image:_ **chatroomreceipt.jpg**

 **winteriscoming:** omg nat what happened next????

 **russianhoe:** um i fuckin panicked,,,,, i was looking like that mr krab meme i was too shook to move,,,,,, 

 **russianhoe:** and then i was like "well y'all it's getting late goodnight bitches" and then i got my hoe ass out of that mess

 **winteriscoming:** yeah but don't you want to see her again??? maria is like,,,,,, pretty 

 **russianhoe:** um tf no?? u know what happened that last time i got in a relationship with someone who was just supposed to be a hookup 

 **winteriscoming:** oh u mean the time wanda broke your heart and left you hanging after being in a serious relationship for almost a year

 **russianhoe:** um yes. i am not getting my hoe heart get broken again because i caught some feelings ok

 **winteriscoming:** ,,,,,,, steve and i are having a disney marathon

 **winteriscoming:** do you want to come???/

 **russianhoe:** ill be there in 10

* * *

 _You have entered the chat:_ **ass kickin' avengers**

 **richbich:** has anyone seen nat???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 **watchlikeahawk:** tony why so many question marks?

 **richbich:** because im trying to emphasize how much i want to know where nat is

 **watchlikeahawk:** why are you so worried?? did something happen last night??

 **richbich:** idk what happened natasha left our law and order svu marathon night for no reason 

 **richbich:** it was very uncharacteristic of her

 **patrioticsass:** well don't worry. she slept over at my place

 **richbich:** why would natasha leave our traditional law and order svu night to sleep between two sweaty men who would most likely fuck while she was in the room 

 **patrioticsass:** tony, she fell asleep on our couch

 **watchlikeahawk:** yeah but she usually loves to see olivia benson kicking ass

 **watchlikeahawk:** why would she leave like that......

 **russianhoe:** damn why u need to know all up in my pussy boi

 **richbich:** she lives !!1!

 **russianhoe:** what are u my mother

 **patrioticsass:** natasha were are you??

 **russianhoe:** im at home

 **russianhoe:** the level of testosterone in your apartment was too much for me so i hauled ass as soon as i could

 **winteriscoming:** rude bitch,,,,

 **russianhoe:** um??? don't act like you and steve weren't fucking right before i came to your apartment

 **patrioticsass:**... anyway

 **richbich:** fucking disgusting y'all fuck like rabbits 

 **patrioticsass:** anyway

 **patrioticsass:** anyone wanna see hamilton

 **russianhoe:** wtt tf yeah

 **richbich:** um yeah

 **watchlikeahawk:** fuck yes

 **russianhoe:** steve,,,, isn't hamilton kinda out of your price range,,,,

 **patrioticsass:** yes

 **russianhoe:** ,,, why do you do this to yourself

 **winteriscoming:** my husband is very passionate about the founding fathers don't come at him like this

 **richbich:**... you all realize i am a multi-millionaire inventor right

 **watchlikeahawk:**... yes

 **richbich:** i just bought 5 orchestra tickets to tonight's hamilton show

 **russianhoe:** i......i,....can't,,,,, i

 **winteriscoming:** f uck

 **watchlikeahawk:** i just shit myself brb

 **winteriscoming:** STEVE JUST THREW HIS PHONE AT THE WALL

 **patrioticsass:** tony i love love LOVE you be my sugar daddy i will suck your dick rn come over

 **richbich:** ;00

 **winteriscoming:** no no no no no that is a bad idea no no no 

 **richbich:** a bad idea??? the most beautiful human being i have ever laid my eyes on is willing to suck my dick how is that a bad idea??

 **russianhoe:** you are all fucking sinners

 **russianhoe:** also i have to beat my face so brb

 **patrioticsass:** i am 100% willing to actually fuck you i am a slut for lin-manuel miranda thank you so much for doing this

 **richbich:** hey np this transaction didn't even make a dent in my bank account 

 **winteriscoming:** you rich fuck

 **richbich:** you jealous??? you fuck

 **patrioticsass:** WE HAVE TO LEAVE IN ONE HOUR 

 **russianhoe:** i really hope that nothing goes wrong tonight

 **winteriscoming:** aw natalia don't worry nothing will go wrong tonight 

* * *

_Saturday, 8:02 AM_

**winteriscoming:**  everything that could have went wrong went wrong what the fuck

 

 

 

 

 


	7. thees ees a deesaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> where shit hits the fan (warning: slur used)

_You have entered the chat :_ **ass kickin' avengers**

 **winteriscoming:**  everything that could have went wrong went wrong wtf

 **patrioticsass:**  i just,,,,, wanted to be happy for once. just this once

 **richbich:**  oh come on u guys it wasn't that bad!! we just still got to see the show at least

 **russianhoe:**  if you call the events of last night "not bad" then idk anymore

 **patrioticsass:** i mean he's right we did see the show,,,,, im just not sure i enjoyed it the way i should have,,,,,, my night was ruined even before the show started and it kind of ruined the whole thing for me i quess,,,,

 **winteriscoming:** babe you were crying the entire time saying"this is the most amazing fucking thing what the fuck"

 **patrioticsass:** oh yeah

 **russianhoe:** but yeah the show was really good actually!! everything before that was shitty

 **winteriscoming:** yeah

 **richbich:** uh huh

 **patrioticsass:** agreed

 **watchlikeahawk:** dammit what happened???? i wasn't even there

 **russianhoe:** oh yeah i forgot you couldn't make it,,,,,,, you fake fucking fan motherfucker

 **watchlikeahawk:** jeez nat im so sorry that my small child had to go to the hospital to get stitches,,,,, somebody call the fucking authorities

 **russianhoe:** well next time tell the little fucker to be careful 

 **richbich:** yeah nat what a clumsy little shit lol

 **russianhoe:** EXCUSE ME???? WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY FUCKING GODCHILD??? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT SHE IS SMARTER, DEADLIER, AND MORE BADASS THAT YOUR FATASS COULD EVER BE, SO DON'T YOU DARE EVER MAKE THE  MISTAKE TO FUCK WITH HER, NOT EVEN BEHIND HER BACK. YOU THINK THIS IS SOME FUCKING JOKE? MY GODCHILD WILL SHIT FURY ON YOU, JUST YOU FUCKING WAIT

 **richbich:**...

 **winteriscoming** _has sent an image:_ **ohfuck.jpg**

 **patrioticsass:** wow

 **watchlikeahawk:** what the fuck

 **winteriscoming:**... are you ok natalia?

 **russianhoe:** im fine just a bit protective of my godchild/niece/reason for living haha

 **russianhoe:** where were we????

 **watchlikeahawk** : .... could you maybe possibly run down the events of last night

 **winteriscoming:** sure man. everybody else down??

 **patrioticsass:** i believe its too,,,,,, traumatic 

 **richbich:** jesus don't be so fucking over dramatic lol 

 **russianhoe:** HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. HOW. DARE. YOU. STEVEN GRANT RODGERS-BARNES DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR RUDE ASS COMMENTS. HE IS TOO GOOD, TOO AMAZING TO HAVE HIS FEELINGS MARRED MY SOMEONE SO FUCKING SHITTY. STEP THE FUCK OFF. STEVE HAS THE ABILITY TO WIPE YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH WITH THE GRACE AND PRECISION OF A  POWERFULLY SKILLED ASSASSIN ALL THE WHILE LOOKING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ANY OTHER FUCKING CREATURE ON ANY PLANET IN ALL OF EXISTENCE, BUT HE'S TOO MUCH OF A GOOD ASS PERSON TO DO THAT. I BET YOU FEEL REALLY FUCKING SHITTY RIGHT NOW. 

 **richbich:** ok what the fucj

 **winteriscoming:** i mean,,,,, she's right tho

 **patrioticsass:** nat what's wrong with you???

 **watchlikeahawk:** CAN YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

 **russianhoe:** ok lol

 **russianhoe:** so it was 7:00, we are waiting for the subway to arrive to take us to the theatre. at that point everything was going smoothly except that you couldn't make it. so we called up bucky's liitle sib becca and they came with us

 **russianhoe:** and then some guy just came up to becca and started???? talking them??? and the he literally fucking groped their boob. hard. 

 **russianhoe:** boi you should have fucking seen james steve tony and i omg

 **russianhoe:** james was the one to actually punch the fucker in the face after they kneed him in the dick. and they were like crying,,,,,, bc u know,,,,

 **russianhoe:** and we all just huddled them into a lil (big) hug and and they were like fcuk.. im so emo.

 **patrioticsass:** and then we were like "??? we survived lol nothing can get worse than this.." 

 **patrioticsass:** and as it turns, we hopped on the wrong fucking subway to the other side of the goddamn city

 **watchlikeahawk:** omg

 **winteriscoming:** omg it took us like 15 mins to figure out where the right train was remember

 **winteriscoming:** but we made it!!! 

 **watchlikeahawk:** but this sounds pretty tame so far,,,, except for what happened to you becca im so sorry that happened them!!

 **winteriscoming:** aw omg its okay!! it just kind of scared them a bit

 **russianhoe:** but anyway, the worse part of the night arrived when we arrived at the theatre

 **watchlikahawk:** k im scared wtf tf happened 

 **richbich:** we get our tickets scanned. we get our merchandise before the show bc we're smart like that. and we get directed to our orchestra seats-the best in the theatre. but there were was a family of 5 sitting in our fucking seats

 **winteriscoming:** and not just any family, no. it was a typical white, conservative family. white as fuck. just picture a stereotypical white family and that's them. there was a mom, and dad, and three girls.

 **winteriscoming:** we were all like ??? wtf these are our seats and so nat went up to the parents and said, EXTREMELY FUCKING POLITELY "hey guys, i think you may be sitting in our seats :)" and she showed them our tickets and seats numbers 

 **winteriscoming:** and then the fucking mom went "sorry sweety :)))) but these are our seats :)))) maybe you got fakes ones, you all seem the type to buy cheap tickets online :))))) sorry :))))))))))))))))))"

 **winteriscoming:** AND TONY STARK, ONE OF THE RICHEST MEN IN AMERICA WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE

 **richbich:** yeah it was pretty fucking appaling

 **richbich:** and so becca was like "let me see your tickets please :)))))))" and they checked them

 **richbich:** AND IT TURNS OUT THAT THEIR TICKETS WERE FAKE. I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE HOW THEY GOT IN

 **patrioticsass:** and then they just sat there denying it like

 **patrioticsass:** some foul words were exchanged, including my favorite "get out of the fucking seat monkey dick we paid actual money that we earned on these tickets" (courtesy of my sibling-in law becca)

 **watchlikeahawk:** fuckin savage

 **russianhoe:** And that was when it happened.

 **russianhoe:** white conservative dude turns to his wife and says "i knew we shouldn't have come to see this shown martha. after all, the whole cast stinks of liberal, pansy scum. serves us right for seeing a f*g show" 

 **watchlikeahawk:** oh my fucking god 

 **russianhoe:** and there we where, young, liberal member of the lgbtq+ community listening to that disgusting shit, i was tearing up. but steve

 **winteriscoming:** my fav part of the entire night to be honest

 **patrioticsass:** oh c'mon i was just doing the right thing

 **winteriscoming:** it was brave

 **winteriscoming:** i love you so much babydoll, til the end of the line

 **patrioticsass:** i love you too. more than you can imagine, til the end of the line

 **richbich:** it would be really dandy if you could stop sexting while we try to re account the events of last night so stop please :))))

 **winteriscoming:** you jealous? you robot fucker

 **watchlikeahawk:** omg

 **russianhoe:** ANYWAY

 **russianhoe:** steve goes up to this man, stares him straight in the eyes, and gives him an entire speech about american patriotism. full on goes uncle sam on the motherfucker. i dont actually remember the whole thing, but i remember he said "america is full of people of every race, shape, gender, and sexual identity. if you believe that for one second, you are above the minority, then you are truly betraying the ideal that this country was built on; that all men are created equal."

 **russianhoe:** at this point, bucky's dick was out

 **winteriscoming:**... true

 **watchlikeahawk:** nasty

 **winteriscoming:** ANY DAMN WAY

 **winteriscoming:** the whole theatre was applauding for my husband while i sobbed in the corner over how lucky i was to be married to such an amazing human being

 **winteriscoming:** and the guy punched steve in the eye

 **russianhoe:** you could literally see james' face turn red with fucking hatred and disgust and on the actual verge of murdering the guy, but steve held him back from acting like a stupid fuck

 **russianhoe:** and steve was crying a bit

 **patrioticsass** : it fucking hurted 

 **richbich:** im sure it did hurted

 **patrioticsass:** shut the fuck up you crusty ass toe you know what i meant

 **richbich:** so the theatre' staff escorted the man and his family out of the building while we took our seats and wallowed in the victory of defeating the White Conservative Family

 **russianhoe:** The End

 **watchlikeahawk:** that was fucking,,,,,, wild

 **russianhoe:** and you know what guys?? maybe the night wasn't that bad after all

 **patriotic:** sorry nat but my fucking black eye will probably tell you otherwise

 **russianhoe:** shut

 **russianhoe:** i meant that the show was v good and isn't that enough? we saw lin-manuel miranda's masterpiece you guys

 **patrioticsass:** rt

 **winteriscoming:** rt

 **richbich:** rt

 **watchlikeahawk:** let's get some fucking denny's

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the white conservative family is based an actual people i have met when i saw the musical book of mormon. right down to the quotes, because i'll never forget them. even the conservative white dude's line wasn't tweaked in any way kinda reminds you how the world still sucks. also rt for genderfluid becca barnes y'all


	8. dorito motherfucker part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve decides to suprise bucky for his 28th birthday ft. best frens and misunderstandings

_You have entered the chat:_ **buckyyy what the f uck**

 _You have changed the chat name to:_ **Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza**

 **patrioticsass:**  ...

 **patrioticsass:**  i need some help 

 **richbich:** wait isn't this the chat u made when buck broke up with you and you invited everyone but him and u basically cried and ranted to us in incoherent sentences for almost 10 hours

 **patioticsass:** um no wtf haha

 **richbich:** bitch i have receipts you cant fucking hide 

 **patrioticsass:** ANY DAMN WAY

 **patioticass:** it is almost bucky's birthday and i have no idea what to do,,,,,

 **russianhoe:** but i thought u had a whole planner dedicated to birthday ideas???

 **watchlikeahawk:** he does wtf

 **russianhoe:** yeah he does it's actually very sweet if not kinda fucking creepy

 **patrioticsass:** BUT NATASHA I USED EVERY IDEA FROM THE PLANNER ON HIS 27TH!!!! THAT MEANS I HAVE. NO. FUCKING. IDEAS. LEFT.

 **russianhoe:** STEVEN GRANT YOU DID NOT USE EVERY IDEA THAT BOOK HAS TO BE 5 FUCKING POUNDS EASY

 **patrioticsass:**... wait what planner r we talking about now

 **watchlikeahawk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **richbich:** that's nasty as shit leave me the fuck outta ur damn sex life i have been violated

 **russianhoe:** ,,,, no steve we did not need to know about the Violent Birthday Sex u and ur husband had 

 **patrioticsass:** no that wasn't what that planner was about haha u guys are so funny LOL

 **watchlikeahawk:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **russianhoe:** anyway

 **russianhoe:** what exactly do u propose we do to help you with ur,,,, dilema

 **watchlikeahawk:** wait im actually genuinely confused r we going to be looking for gift n party ideas or the,,,,, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ideas,,,,,,

 **patrioticsass:** PLEASE SHUT TF THE FUCK UP I MADE A SIMPLE MISTAKE 

 **watchlikeahawk:** damn,,, rude bitch,,,, i was just asking a question

 **richbich:** steve where do u want us to look?

 **patrioticsass:** ummm just look at pinterest for gift ideas for a spouse or significant other

 **russianhoe:** noah fence steve but i have looked @ ur pinterest acct and u have more pins and boards than a divorced white mother named sharon trying to be the "cool" and "hip" mom at the PDA meeting but when the group doesn't like her ideas she goes home to bake recipes that she insists her great-great grandmother made but they are really just more recipes she found on pinterest like how to we suppose we find ideas that you have already found

 **richbich:** damn natasha that was oddly specific u okay??

 **russianhoe:** um  yeah haha

 **patrioticsass:** YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK Y'ALL I COME HERE TO ASK FOR HELP AND I GET ROASTED INSTEAD LET ME JUST DEAL WITH THIS ON MY OWN AND GET GREY HAIRS AT THE TENDER AGE OF 25 OKAY FUCK YOU

 **russianhoe:** steve you already have grey hairs....

 **patrioticsass:** please,,,, i just wanna make my husband feel less insecure abt his aging through a grand romantic gesture,,,, help,,, me

 **richbich:** okay damn brb i think i have someone who can help

\---

 _You have recieved a message from:_ **richbich**

 **richbich:** hey babe sorry if im interrupting something but i need your help like desperately

 **mspotts:** Do you have another oddly shaped rash on your right butt cheek again?

 **richbich:** um,,, i don't think so 

 **mspotts:** Than I hardly see the issue.

 **richbich:** god damn i didn't even tell u what the issue was !!

 **mspotts:**...

 **mspotts:** What do you need, Tony?

 **richbich:** ok so its bucky's 28th bday and steve is panicking because he doesn't have any ideas left in his organizer thing

 **mspotts:** WHAT THE FUCK I HELPED HIM ORGANIZE THAT PLANNER. THEY WERE AMAZING, INTRICATE IDEAS THAT ENSURED SUCCESS. IT WEIGHTED EXACTLY 4.11 POUNDS. HOW IN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN.

 **richbich:** what the fuck

 **mspotts:** I mean... how unfortunate.

 **mspotts:** Proceed.

 **richbich:** he wants like,,, a grand romantic gesture,,,, ur a grand romantic person so i just thought u could help him out :)

 **richbich:** and by the way he ran out of ideas in his Violent Birthday Sex Organizer not the heavy one 

 **mspotts:** OH MY GOD. DOES THAT BOI HAVE ANY REGARD FOR MY FUCKING IDEAS. I TOLD HIM TO USE IT SPARINGLY. I JUST GAVE IT TO HIM LAST YEAR.

 **richbich:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **mspotts:** Oh

 **mspotts** _has left the chat._

_..._

_You have entered the chat:_ **Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza**

 **richbich:**  so,,,, i have nothing

 **patrioticsass:**  sigh

 **patrioticsass:**  i am the absolute worst husband ever. i want to give him everything in the world and i can't even think of single fucking birthday present. 

 **russianhoe:**  everything in the world??? boi remember when u jokingly proposed to him with a tiny onion ring from burger king and he thought you were being serious and he put it on his ring finger and started crying

 **russianhoe:**  i don't think he'll mind of you give him something a little bit shitty

 **watchlikeahawk:**  yeah :) he loves you and a birthday present wont change that

 **richbich:**  ... i guess

 **patioticsass:**  aw u guys r so sweet

 **patrioticsass:**  ur right too

 **patrioticsass:**  i should just chill and let it come to me

 **russianhoe:**  yeah. it's not like you'll be able to live up to your past presents anyway. i mean,,, you fucking proposed to him on his 23rd !

 **patrioticsass:**  past...

 **patrioticsass:**  past 

 **richbich:**  steve

 **patrioticsass:**  p a s t 

 **patrioticsass:**  p                     a                           s                       t 

 **watchlikeahawk:**  steve are u okay???!!!!

 **patrioticsass:**  i have an idea

**...**

_You have received a message from:_ **patrioticsass**

 **patriotsass:** I  NEED YOUR HELP URGENTLY IMMEDIENTLY A S A P

 **agentcarter:** what is it steve?

 **patrioticsass:** YOU KNOW HOW UR GRANDFATHER FOUNDED SHIELD AND NOW U CAN ACCESS LIKE ANYTHING 

 **agentcarter:** yes steve i am aware

 **patrioticsass:** OKAY WELL I NEED YOU TO GO INTO THE STORAGE ROOM AND BRING ME THE BULLET

 **agentcarter:** steve, our artillery is immense. you are going to have to be a bit more specific

 **patrioticsass:** no i mean,,,  _the_ bullet

 **agentcarter:** oh

 **agentcarter:**... why

 **patrioticsass:** because it represents how bucky and i will do anything and anything at all for each other ??

 **agentcarter:** no i know that what specific purpose does it serve to you now??

 **patrioticsass:** you'll see

 **agentcarter:** um that was mysteriously vague what the fuck

 **patrioticsass:** shhh my child. all we be resolved in the end. 

 **agentcarter:** no

 **patrioticsass:** i'll make it worth ur while( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **agentcarter:** fine ill fucking do it just don't don't do that ever again

 **patrioticsass:** done

...

 _You have received a message from:_ **patrioticsass**

 **patrioticsass:** hey baby

 **winteriscoming:** hiiii

 **patrioticsass:** can u please do something for me???

 **winteriscoming:** um sure what do u need

 **patrioticsass:** give me your wedding ring back 

 **patrioticsass:** bucky???

 **winteriscoming:** i thought we worked past this.

 **patrioticsass:** um what lol

 **winteriscoming:** so this is a joke to you.

 **patrioticsass:** i dont know what ur talking about just please give me ur wedding ring i need to give it to someone 

 **patrioticsass:** OH FUCK I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT

 **winteriscoming:** you found someone else. is it peggy? tony?

 **winteriscoming:** who the fuck is it steve i swear to fucking god

 **patrioticsass:** wtf?????

 **winteriscoming:** you know what, never fucking mind

 **winteriscoming:** i'll leave the ring on the kitchen counter. i'll be gone before you get home.

 **patrioticsass:** oh where r u going buck??

 **winteriscoming:** natasha's probably 

 **patrioticsass:** oh okay i hope u have fun !!!

 **winteriscoming:**...fun?

 **winteriscoming:** i never thought you could be such a heartless bastard 

 **winteriscoming:** i hope you're fucking pleased with yourself

 **patrioticsass:** um what?? it's been a good day i guess lol

 **winteriscoming** _has left the chat._

_..._

_You have received a message from:_ **patrioticsass**

 **patrioticsass:** well that was fucking weird...

 **scarletwitch:** omg what

 **patrioticsass:** oh nothing i guess

 **patrioticsass:** do u mind if i drop by your place for a while?? i have a Secret Important Job for you,,,

 **scarletwitch:** oh sounds fucking saucy 

 **patrioticsass:** oh no it's actually more of a romantic thing

 **scarletwitch:** im not fucking romantic wtf 

 **patrioticsass:** im not asking you to give any romantic advice or anything,,

 **patrioticsass:** ,,, i've heard you're pretty good with ur hands

 **scarletwitch:** oh girl u have no idea

 **patrioticsass:** great !! im coming by with a very special bullet that i need you to melt into a rings. im also bringing my husband's wedding band and i was wondering if you could merge or intertwine them??? 

 **scarletwitch:** oh,,, i thought you were gonna ask something else 

 **patrioticsass:**  oh what

 **scarletwitch:** oh nothing lol u can come whenever u like haha

...

_Saturday, 2:34 AM_

_You have entered the chat:_ **Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza**

 **patrioticsass:**  u guys i finished bucky's present!!!

 **richbich:**  damn his birthday's today and you got it finished in time?? what is it

 **patrioticsass:**  okay so do u guys remember how in bucky and i's first mission together we were taking down the red skull and his gang

 **watchlikeahawk:**  yeah

 **richbich:**  kinda

 **russianhoe:**  ... yes

 **patrioticsass:**  well i pushed bucky out of a bullet's path and it was embedded in the wall and so shield gathered the bullet for evidence and i got it

 **richbich:**  you gave ur husband a used bullet for his birthday **...**

 **patrioticsass:** sorta!!

 **patrioticsass:** i asked wanda to melt the bullet and intertwine it with bucky's wedding band and she engraved "'til the end of the line" on the inside bc its our Thing and it looks beautiful im so happy with it

 **patrioticsass:** i think he'll like it

 **richbich:** ew im gonna throw the fuck up

 **watchlikahawk:** that is so fucking cute i just

 **russianhoe:**... steve is that why you asked james for his wedding ring back

 **patrioticsass:** yeah why?

 **russianhoe:**...

 **russianhoe:** you stupid fucking dorito motherfucker

 

    _To Be Continued...™_

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the bullet sorta symbolizes when steve saved buck from being brainwashed in the first avenger.... i thought steve's gift idea was cute.....


	9. dorito motherfucker part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this Gay Drama is making me sweat

**russianhoe:** you stupid fucking dorito motherfucker

 **patrioticsass:** What The God Damn Hell Is Your Damage 

 **russianhoe:** idk steve maybe im tired of your husband snot crying into my fucking dolce & gabbana shirt okay maybe that's what my damage is

 **patrioticsass:** omg is he okay?? why did he go to you??

 **russianhoe:**... u are so fucking dense

 **richbich:** wait what happened??

 **richbich:** my Gay Drama senses are tingling 

 **russianhoe:** i'll tell you what fucking happened. steve made james think that he was breaking up with him for real and he came to my house, drunk as fuck, with a fucking cat named "cousin seirge". he has been listening to lemonade by beyonce for hours. he has stole my 'juicy' shirt. 

 **patrioticsass:** oh my goodness

 **patrioticsass:** have him call me right now.

 **russianhoe:** don't you think i haven't tried that?? 

 **russianhoe:** i think you need to call him first

 **watchlikeahawk:** will he even answer though

 **patrioticsass:** you know what fuck it im calling him

 **richbich:** im fucking sweating

 **richbich:** i thought birthdays were supposed to be a fun time surrounded by ur friends and family,,, not that i would know,,,

 **russianhoe:** shut the fuck up

 **patrioticsass:** ok he isn't picking up

 **patrioticsass:** what the hell do i do oh my god

 **watchlikeahawk:** okay don't panic steve this isn't your fault

 **russianhoe:** what yes it is 

 **richbich:** for the love of god text him !!

 **patrioticsass:** okay okay okay brb

 _You have received a message from:_ **patrioticsass**

 **patrioticsass:** bucky? i am so so so sorry. this whole thing was a huge misunderstanding and it was all my fault. im sorry for being such a fuck up. just come home. 

 **patrioticsass:** please

 **patrioticsass:** i love you, so, so much

 **patrioticsass:** buck?

 **patrioticsass:** do you seriously think that you could just ignore me and i would fuck right off? because im not going to

 **patrioticsass:** i have made a god damn mess of your 28th haven't i

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky 

 **patrioticsass:** bucky 

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky 

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** bucky

 **patrioticsass:** i won't give up on you

 **patrioticsass:** til the end of the line, right?

 

 _You have entered the chat:_ **Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza**

 **patrioticsass:**  he isn't picking up what the fuck

 **russianhoe:**  oh wait i forgot to tell you

 **russianhoe:**  he blocked you on imessage, twitter, facebook, and basically every other platform available

 **patrioticsass:**  well god damn natasha maybe you could've told me that before i texted him 27 times

 **russianhoe:** oops lol

 **patrioticsass:** fuck.

 **watchlikeahawk:** hey steve, tony and i can text him for you?

 **richbich:** wait what am i doing?? i was too busy eating my popcorn and sipping my tea

 **watchlikeahawk:** this is a groupchat bitch you damn well know what i said

 **patrioticsass:** thank you guys so much

 **watchlikeahawk:** np :)

 _You have received a message from:_ **watchlikeahawk**

 **watchlikeahawk:** hey, bucky? would you please text steve back? he has something very important to say to you

 **winteriscoming:** :')

 _You have blocked:_ **watchlikeahawk**

 _You have received a message from:_   **richbich**

 **richbich:** text steve back you salty motherfucker

 **winteriscoming:** I don't know her :))))

 **richbich:** um yes u do,,, ??

 _You have blocked:_ **richbich**

 **richbich:** okay what the fuc k

 _You have entered the chat:_ **Bucky's Birthday Extravaganza**

 **patrioticsass:** well??

 **richbich:** he memed me 

 **russianhoe:**... and ?

 **richbich:** the he fucking blocked me

 **patrioticsass:** clint??

 **watchlikeahawk:** yeah same here

 **patrioticsass:** well shit

 **patrioticsass:** nat, i am going to your place

 **russianhoe:** um wtf don't ???

 **patrioticsass:** I AM GIVING BUCKY HIS BIRTHDAY GIFT I DONT GIVE A FUCK

 **patrioticsass:** TONY YOU ARE COMING WITH ME

 **richbich:** wtf why

 **patrioticsass:** BECAUSE IF MY HUSBAND TRIES TO STRANGLE ME WITH HIS BIONIC ARM THEN YOU COULD MAYBE POSSIBLY SAVE ME

 **richbich:** um why would i want to help you with ur Gay Drama??

 **patrioticsass:** bc u love and appreciate me with all of your heart??

 **richbich:** had it not been for the laws of this land, i would have slaughtered you

 **patrioticsass:**... i'll send you pictures of thor's ass??

 **richbich:** HELL YEAH LET'S GO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE 

 **russianhoe:** okay what the fuck tony are u literally so gay that you would risk dying by James Buchanan Rogers-Barnes' Scary Metal Arm of Death™ for a few low quality pics of thor's ass

 **richbich:** :,))))

 **russianhoe:** ,,, that is the gayest thing i have ever seen and i have had sex with multiple women

 **patrioticsass:** EVERYONE SHUT UP

 **patrioticsass:** TONY I HAVE THE RING

 **patrioticsass:** LETS GOOO

 **richbich:** bye y'all wish us luck ;o

 _You have received a message from:_ **watchlikeahawk**

 **watchlikeahawk:** tony hi can u please give me updates on the Gay Drama™ i am sweating

 **richbich:** of course my dude

 **richbich:** well, natasha wasn't lying when she said that bucky was listening to Lemonade™ on repeat we can literally hear 'formation' from outside

 **watchlikeahawk:** are bucky and steve talking??

 **richbich:** um no???? steve is loudly banging on natasha's apartment door really fucking loudly though

 **richbich:** there's this old lady who lives next door who is currently standing outside who is giving me the Eye™ as if im the man who is yelling "BUCKY I LOVE YOU PLEASE OPEN THIS DOOR" at the top of his lungs smh

 **richbich:** OH WAIT BUCKY HAS FIRED BACK

 **watchlikeahawk:** what did he say???

 **richbich:** there was the sound of glass-shattering against the door followed by bucky screaming "FUCK OFF!! YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART HOW DARE YOU TRY TO FIX THAT"

 **richbich:** STEVE HAS RESPONDED

 **richbich:** "BUCKY PLEASE IM NOT BREAKING UP WITH YOU I SWEAR THIS IS JUST ONE BIG MISUNDERSTANDING I LOVE YOU"

 **richbich:** " MISUNDERSTANDING??? EXPLAIN WHY I HAD TO GIVE YOU BACK MY FUCKING WEDDING RING??? HUH???"

 **richbich:** steve is crying and idk if i should comfort him or not lol

 **richbich:** anyway

 **richbich:** there is now complete silence

 **richbich:** "come outside, buck. i'll give you all the explaining you'll need."

 **richbich:** that sounded vaguely sexual lol

 **richbich:** BUCKY HAS OPENED THE DOOR

 **richbich:** JESUS HE LOOKS BAD!!! HE LOOKS LIKE HE GOT REKED BY HIS OWN MOTORCYLE GOD DAMN

 **richbich:** wait a second somethings happening

 **richbich:** STEVE ROGERS IS ON HIS KNEES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN HE IS ON HIS KNEES

 **watchlikeahawk:** bitch what???!!!!@!!!

 **richbich:** HE PULLED OUT A RING WHTA THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

 **richbich:** BUCKY JUST GASPED SCREAMED

 **richbich:** it's a very pretty ring!! it's bucky's original but the bullet that steve told us about is french braided around it??? it's gorgeous 

 **richbich:** bucky is staring at the ring very intently

 **richbich:** AND A LOOK OF REALIZATION HAS CROSSED HIS FACE

 **richbich:** AND HE'S CRYING 

 **richbich:** WAIT

 **richbich:** "bucky, i love you so so much, and that will never change. this ring only represents a fraction of that, but for now, i hope it will suffice." he slowly slides the ring onto barnes' finger

 **richbich:** AND BUCKY IS FULL ON WEEPING THIS IS THE GAYEST THING I HAVE EVER WITNESSED 

 **richbich:** STEVE JUST INHALED AS IF HE WAS ABOUT TO ROAST THE HELL OUT OF HIS HUSBAND AND I HOPE HE IS 

 **richbich:** WAIT NEVERMIND!!!

 **richbich: "** james buchanan rodgers-barnes, will you marry me again?"

 **richbich:** NATASHA JUST SCREAMED FROM THE BACKGROUND I RELATE

 **richbich:** HE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!

 **richbich:** AND KNOW THEY ARE KISSING LIKE THE BEAUTIFUL GAYS THEY ARE

 **watchlikeahawk:** HELL FUCKING YEAH

 **richbich:** 126 high-quality pictures of thor's ass has just been uploaded onto my phone :,))))

 **watchlikeahawk:** this is the gayest day of my entire life and i am loving every second of it

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when u wish u had a steve in ur life :,)))))


	10. im bout to start swinging

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> natasha gets a sugar daddy ;o ft. emotions and bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! long time no see!! sorry for the short ass chapter but im working my ass off with my job and college,, being an adult is the fucking worst,.,,,

You _have entered the chat:_ **ass kickin' avengers**

 _You have changed the chat name to:_ **daddy better make me choke ;)**

 

russianhoe: Clint If You Say A Single Fucking Word I Will  Curb Stomp You And Wear Your Teeth Around My Neck As A Trophy

watchlikeahawk: first of all,,, rude

watchlikeahawk: second of all,,, why u mad ;)

russianhoe: maybe because i know exactly why you are about to bring up and it is Not A Good Idea :))

winteriscoming: damn passive aggressive much

winteriscoming: what the fuck happened??

patrioticsass: im worried???

patrioticsass: nat u usually tell us everything...

russianhoe: well im so sorry that i find some occurrences to be too embarrassing to share :) my sincerest apologies

richbich: nat steve isnt even fucking joking you tell us

richbich: EVERYTHING

russianhoe: i really fucking dont 

winteriscoming: remember when u told us about that time u shit ur pants during a shield meeting??

patrioticsass: oh or when u fucked your friend's grandma?

watchlikeahawk: you cant forget the time when you you bled through ur panties at that same grandma's funeral haha classic

russianhoe: SHUT THE FUCK UP THOSE THINGS NEVER HAPPENED

richbich: dont hide from the truth bitch

watchlikeahawk: anyway,, something,,, interesting,,, happened to our baby nat whom we all collectively birthed

winteriscoming: did someone fuck with you?? ill fuck them up if you want i swear to god natalia

russianhoe: omg no james im fine

russianhoe: it was a different kind of,,, traumatizing

richbich: more traumatizing then the time u left a trail of blood at that poor dead lesbian grandma's funeral???

russianhoe: FUCK OFF OKAY IT WAS A MISTAKE

richbich: hey... to each their own ;0

russianhoe: u know wh at fkcu tis im outt

**russianhoe** _has left the chat._

watchlikeahawk: damn

watchlikeahawk: well at least i can tell u what happened without fearing for my fucking teeth

patrioticsass: clint you could literally die from being curb stomped and your worried abt your teeth??

watchlikeahawk: ... they r good teeth tho

winteriscoming: anyway,, wtf happened

**russianhoe** _has entered the chat._

russianhoe: fuck off clint

watchlikeahawk: DAMN 

russianhoe: there is no fucking way that anyone in this goddamn chat is hearing about my sugar daddy okay over my dead fucking body okay

richbich: ;00000

winteriscoming: ...

patrioticsass: natasha you have a fucking sugar daddy??? why didn't u tell us????

russianhoe: fcuk i exposed myself,,,,

russianhoe: i am the two-faced lying hoe,,, not clint,,,,

watchlikehawk: im in this chat u bitch

russianhoe: i guess u never expect to see yourself become the villian,,,

winteriscoming: ur so fucking dramatic shut up damn

winteriscoming: literally why didn't u tell us u had a sugar daddy???

patrioticsass: everyone, it was nat's choice whether or not she wanted to share something personal like that with us. let's all calm down

richbich: um yeah

richbich: btw u already have a sugar daddy

russianhoe: um no i don't tony

richbich: bitch i'm everyone in this group chat's sugar daddy?? 

winteriscoming: okay true

patrioticsass: but nat i thought you were finally stable? what happened?

russianhoe: i need to pay off my student loans and shit,,, also im in the process of becoming an american citizen which is not. fucking. cheap.

winteriscoming: okay fine

winteriscoming: but u literally could have come to any of us for help?? 

russianhoe: but like,,, money y'know

patrioticsass: i still don't understand why u were so hesitant abt telling us,,

russianhoe: why u need to know all up in my pussy boiii

watchlikeahawk: steve,,, it's because of who nat's sugar daddy is

patrioticsass: who is it...

russianhoe: um

russianhoe: no one

winteriscoming: if u don't fucking tell us who your sugar daddy is i'll come over to ur house and shatter ur anastasia glow kit 

russianhoe: you wouldn't fucking dare

winteriscoming: bitch,,,, test me

russianhoe: OKAY DAMN

russianhoe: its...

russianhoe: alexander pierce 

patrioticsass: natasha... please tell me you are joking

winteriscoming: is pierce that shitbag hydra sympathizer

russianhoe: god damn this is why i didn't tell u guys !!!

russianhoe: i could give less a shit abt his political views as long as he respects me and puts money in my pocket

richbich: natasha, i have known many rich motherfuckers over the years and alexander pierce is a fucking low life scumbag- the worst of them all.

russianhoe: i am a grown. i can make my own decisions 

richbich: please... let me help you

russianhoe: tony, you are my friend,, i dont want to depend upon you financially,, i wouldn't burden you like that

patrioticsass: nat, i love you and care about you. we all do. 

winteriscoming: we will all pool in enough money to help u out, k?? u will never be a burden, never. you are too smart, beautiful, and perfect. ur like our little sister. we love the holy shit out of you

russianhoe: fcku im crying

russianhoe: fine u fucking saps ill break it off with pierce okay??

richbich: YESSS BICTHHJJ

winteriscoming: thank fucking god

patrioticsass: :) 

russianhoe: ,,, and i love you all too. so much

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. marriage bitches!!! part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> steve and bucky renew their vows!!! ft. gay drama!!!

_You have entered the chat:_ **ass kickin' avengers**

_You have changed the chat to:_ **wedding!!!**

 

patrioticsass: everyone!! we have set a date and venue for our vow renewal!!

 

winteriscoming: can you just call it a wedding damn

 

winteriscoming: you're making us sound like a middle-aged couple who just reconciled from their divorce scare

 

richbich: i mean half of that is true,,,,

 

winteriscoming: shut

 

patrioticsass: bucky,,, we already had a wedding

 

russianhoe: bitch what went down five years ago was not a fucking wedding okay?? 

 

patrioticsass: it was to!

 

russianhoe: if you call thor drunkenly officiating your marriage with his barely legitimate licence while everyone in the room including you and bucky snot cried a wedding than romance doesn't fucking exist anymore

 

patrioticsass: yeah but remember the reception??

 

richbich: your reception was us sitting awkwardly while bucky snot cried into the $3000 armani suit i graciously gifted you with. he kept repeating "i have waited for this moment since i was six years old,,,, fuck"

 

richbich: you broke the ring. the ring i expertly crafted to fit The Bionic Arm of Death™'s ring finger. i was so proud of it......

 

winteriscoming: yeah,,,,,,, but you adjusted the ring steve gave me

 

richbich: yeah and if you break that one ill freak the fuck out. don't fucking mess with you shit

 

winteriscoming: you mad? fucker

 

russianhoe: ANYWAY

 

russianhoe: what date and venue did you guys select??

 

patrioticsass: April 6th, 1:00 AM at Avengers' Tower :)

 

richbich: first of all,,,, my building is not a fucking WEDDing venue okay???

 

richbich: second of all,,,, isn't april 6 tomorrow??

 

winteriscoming: damn tony!!! you can do math????

 

richbich: shut the fuck barnes where is your Master's degrees in electrical engineering and physics???

 

russianhoe: calm down,,, im sure steve meant April 6th, 2018

 

patrioticsass: no. the wedding is tomorrow :)

 

russianhoe: jdjhdbasbdwjhebhjw

 

russianhoe: WHAT

 

winteriscoming: we decided that we couldn't wait another minute to relieve the feeling of being bonded together. eternally

 

richbich: that was fucking disgusting ew

 

russianhoe: WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME THE WEDDING WAS GOING TO BE SOON. BITCH I DONT EVEN HAVE MY BEST MAN SUIT AND YOUR TELLING ME THAT I HAVE TO HAUL ASS TO A MALL AND GET ONE???? I DONT EVEN HAVE A MAKEUP PLAN. OR A HAIR PLAN. FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK FUCK I AM UNPREPARED!!!!!!????!?!?!!?

 

patrioticsass: natasha please calm down!!

 

patrioticsass: bucky and i have been obsessively planning this day a month after we got married. we have had your best man suit for about a year now. and don't worry about your hair and makeup plan, we already have one :) 

 

russianhoe: BUT MY SPEECHCHCHHCC

 

winteriscoming: yeah thats the one thing we didn't plan lol haha

 

russianhoe:...

 

russianhoe: tony

 

richbich: going to starbucks right now to get you a lifelong supply of iced americanos 

 

russianhoe: thank fucking god 

 

russianhoe: your girls gonna have to PILE ON that concealer cause im about to pull a fuckfest all nighter

 

patrioticsass: you don't have to do that!! im sure bucky and i can help you!!

 

winteriscoming: NO WE CANT BYE EVERYONE

**winteriscoming** _has left the chat._

**patrioticsass** _has left the chat._

 

russianhoe:... they went off to have pre-wedding sex haven't they

 

richbich: yep

 

russianhoe: damn

_April 6th, 3:56 AM_

_You have received a message from:_ **russianhoe**

 

russianhoe: hey clint my man!!!! haha sorry for waking you on vacation like this put could you,,,,, maybe,,,,, check my best man speech???

 

watchlikeahawk: damn,,,, which friend is getting married this time?

 

russianhoe: steve and bucky,,,, maybe

 

watchlikeahawk: THOSE FUCKERS THEYRE GETTING MARRIED AGAIN WITHOUT ME???? SHITBGGTTT

 

russianhoe: please please please I have no time for you to freak out like this!! can i just type out my speech and you critique pleasssseee it needs to be perfect,,,

 

watchlikeahawk: im pissed as all fucking hell right now what the fuckckckckkc

 

watchlikehawk:... sure

 

russianhoe: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

 

russianhoe: okay here it goes

 

russianhoe: Hello, everyone. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you all for attending the vow renewal of these gays right here (laughter).  Okay, that is the closest thing you will hear to a gay joke in this speech. Tonight, I wanted to truly and sincerely honor these two amazing men. Bucky, when you met Steve, you were only six years old, while he was just on the brink of four. I've always wondered why a six year old would fall immediately in love with a three year old, but I digress. Through out your lives, you have supported each other through death, war, awkward teenage erections, and even more awkward straight phases.  But, somehow, you found each other again. I remember when you lost your arm, Bucky. Steve was by your side the entire time, through physical therapy, the birth of The Bionic Arm of Death™, and the emotional aftermath. There is no doubt in my mind that you love each other til the end of time. I truly hope you do. And let's face it, you guys will still be the hottest husbands in your eighties. Goodnight, everyone. 

 

russianhoe: so,,, how was it???

 

watchlikehawk: fuck,,, that was so gay and so great,,, i am crying

 

russianhoe: it was that good??

 

watchlikeahawk: yes. fuck yes.

 

watchlikeahawk: now go the fuck to sleep. i love you 

 

russianhoe: i love you too :)

  _You have received a message from:_ **winteriscoming**

 

winteriscoming: do you have any idea why clint sent the "honey, you've got a big storm coming" meme to steve and i before just fucking blocking us???????


	12. marriage bitches!!! part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the aftermath ft #NugsforBucky

winteriscoming: I GOT IT YES BITCHES MY HUSBANDDDDD

 

richbich: ur sooooo drunk lol

 

winteriscoming: bicth i might be??????

 

patrioticsass: where r wee??

 

richbich: we r at mcdonald's steve u drove us here

 

patrioticsass: oh yeah lmao

 

patrioticsass: but why are there so many tress?? mcdonalds where r u tf

 

richbich: steve you are outside of the mcdonald's with ur husband you are literally standing next to the sign

 

richbich: jesus i knew thor shouldn't have brought that asgardian weed are are stoned to shit

 

patrioticsass: WAIT WHERE IS MY MOTHER NATASHA WHERE R U

 

richbich: she went to get ur mcflurry calm down hoe

 

winteriscoming: is she getting my nugs too i asked her for nugs

 

richbich: ummm no i only see the guy getting a mcflurry

 

patrioticsass: NOOO GIVE A MAN HIS NUGGS

 

patrioticsass: #NugsForBucky

 

richbich: i hate u

 

russianhoe: steve and bucky i have ur shit come back to the table

 

winteriscoming: YES NATALIA U CAM THRU FOR A MANS NUGS LUV YOU

 

russianhoe: im too tired for this shit

 

russianhoe: also any specific reason you begged us for the reception to be @ mcdonald's???

 

winteriscoming: we like our nugs

 

patrioticsass: and our oreo mcflurrys!!

 

richbich: yeah but why did u want it to be specigdhsy at philidalphia??

 

winteriscoming: idk???

 

russianhoe: tony why did u give up writing specifically half way through

 

richbich: idk my brain doesn't remember that word

 

russianhoe: damn no wonder ur the worlds greatest scientific mind

 

richbich: aw thx

 

russianhoe: shut the fuck up that was sarcasm

 

russianhoe: everyone get in the car we are hauling ass back to the city

 

patrioticsass: k!!!

 

richbich: ps u guys i wrote a full transcript of the wedding/vow renewal[ here u go](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gMblJzUpDHRh8HyByl7nkR4AcDXZSXVPug7WJnPwtB4/edit) xoxoxo

 

winteriscoming: wtf u skipped through everything

 

richbich: yeah that;s bc everything that wasn't gay was pointless

 

winteriscoming: hoe

 

patrioticsass: GUSY STOP HITTING EACHOTHER NAT IS TRYING TI DRIVE!!!!!!!

 

richbich: we are literally sitting next to eachother why didn't you just tell us

 

patrioticsass: bc i knew u hoes would only stop to check ur phones

 

winteriscoming: ur so smart love u babydoll

 

patrioticsass: <3

 

richbich: NAT TELL THEM TO STOP MAKING OUT

 

russianhoe: can u guys shut the fuck up i am trying to driveeee

 

richbich: its not my fault they gay

 

winteriscoming: shut the fuck up boi

 

 


	13. dirty dick (ovary panic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ew wtf ft a wowie!!!

_You have entered the chat:_ **the avengers™**

 

patrioticsass: good morning everyone !! how are u all doing

 

winteriscoming: i accidentally brushed my teeth with hemorrhoid cream instead of toothpaste

 

patrioticsass: anyway !

 

richbich: wait which one of you has ever had hemorrhoids??

 

 **richbich** _has sent a video:_ [ **actuallymegan** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JxaNWdspjY)

 

winteriscoming: u know what happens when we fuck too hard ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

richbich: wtf

 

patrioticsass: ANYWAY !!!!!!!

 

patrioticsass: tony is there any way u could tell me how u r doing this morning without asking invasive questions abt hemorrhoids 

 

richbich: sure 

 

richbich: i have cum in my mustache and idk how to get it off lol

 

patrioticsass: HOT WATER NEXT

 

russianhoe: well i just found out i have a cyst on my ovary so i have that going for me i guess

 

winteriscoming: bitch what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!

 

winteriscoming: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

patrioticsass: omg natasha r u okay !!!????!!?!?!? do u need anything at all ?!!!!!!!?!!!!!!

 

richbich: damn and i thought i was the only one who's ever had a cyst on their reproductive organs

 

russianhoe: thx tony for your heartwarming concern im truly touched

 

russianhoe: and im fine, the guy just said to pop birth control pills and it should start to go away

 

patrioticsass: and what if it doesn't go away !! will you have to have ur fucking ovaries removed !!!!??

 

patrioticsass: but ur supposed to be the surrogate mother to our child !!!!!!!

 

russianhoe: NO I WILL NOT NEED TO HAVE MY OVARIES REMOVED THE FUCK

 

russianhoe: i'll just have to have surgery

 

winteriscoming: how the fuck do u end up with a cyst on ur ovary????

 

richbich: well i know how u end up with a cyst on ur dick if any of u want to know

 

patrioticsass: noah fence tony but i dont think anyone wants to hear more about ur dirty dick okay

 

richbich: first of all,,,,,,binch

 

winteriscoming: NATALIA ELABORATE 

 

russianhoe: okay so basically in an average menstrual period a matured egg is released from a sac called the follicle 

 

russianhoe: and so like my follicle didn't release an egg when it was ready??? so yeah the egg just continued to mature and now i have a fucking cyst on my ovaries what the fuck

 

patrioticsass: omg nat don't worry we're here for u

 

patrioticsass: is there anything at all we can do bby?

 

winteriscoming: actually it would be super great if u could find an anus fairy to cure my chronic shits thx

 

patrioticsass: bUCKY

 

winteriscoming: wait so we aren't elaborating on weird shit our organs do???

 

richbich: no dipshit we're talking about nat's ovarian cyst

 

russianhoe: yeah abt that can any of you go to my apartment and get my weed??

 

winteriscoming: wait ur not there already ?

 

russianhoe: no i'm currently in an alleyway crying in a bra. and old lady gave me a churro out of sympathy 

 

richbich: damn :( send me ur location i'll be there in a sec

 

russianhoe: thx!!!!!

 

richbich: but wait

 

**richbich** _has sent a photo:_ **NOTEVERYTHINGISABTWEEDUPIECEOFSHITSTONER.jpg**

 

russianhoe: damn 

 

richbich: okay i'm on my way!!!!!

 

___________________________

 

_You have received a message from:_ **russianhoe**

 

russianhoe: psst..........steve.............psst

 

patrioticsass: yes natasha?? u need anything ??

 

russianhoe: no i just need to tell u something real quick

 

russianhoe: are u sitting down

 

patrioticsass: actually im lying in bed seeing as its currently 3 in the fucking morning

 

russianhoe: omg sorry

 

russianhoe: im really high lol

 

patrioticsass: its okay nat :)

 

patrioticsass: are u home? are u safe in bed? 

 

russianhoe: im home but im watching buffy 

 

patrioticsass:...good enough

 

patrioticsass: what did u want to tell me ?

 

russianhoe: oh yeah so

 

russianhoe: u know how i got an ovarian cyst??????

 

patrioticsass: yes of course

 

russianhoe: well i went to the hospital again bc something didn't feel right??? and the doctor asked me if there was any chance i was pregnant and i was like yeah and i told him all abt u and bucky and how i am a major lesbian but i was willing to go being artificially inseminated with ur sperm bc i love u guys so much and u deserve to be parents!!!!!!

 

russianhoe: fuck im crying again

 

russianhoe: anyway

 

russianhoe: he took my pee and tested it and did some other stuff that i can't remember but guess what!!!!!

 

russianhoe: im pregnant!!!!!!!!

 

patrioticsass: OMFG UR SERIOUS???????? ARE U SURE ??????

 

russianhoe: yes!!!! im holding the test results right now!!!!!!!

 

patrioticsass: shit shit shit omfg what the fuck

 

patrioticsass: iM GONNA BE A DAD

 

patrioticsass: BUCKY AND I ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

russianhoe: AND IM GONNA BE A COOL GAY AUNTIE!!!!!!!!!!

 

patriotcisass: FUCK IM CRYING

 

patrioticsass: NAT I CANT SEE ANYTHING ITS SO DARK IN HERE BUCKY JUST WOKE UP AND HES SO CONCERNED

 

____________________________

 

_You have received a message from:_ **winteriscoming**

 

winteriscoming: any idea why my husband is scream crying at 3 in the morning ?

 

russianhoe: yes....

 

russianhoe: im an oven

 

winteriscoming: explain????

 

russianhoe: got a bun inside me

 

winteriscoming:...

 

winteriscoming: are you fucking serious.

 

russianhoe: yeah :)

 

russianhoe: james?????????

 

russinahoe: james

 

russianhoe: james

 

russianhoe: james

 

russianhoe: james

 

russianhoe ....????????

 

russianhoe: bucky barnes?????

 

russianhoe: hello????????

 

russianhoe: oh my god he fucking dead

 

________________________

 

_You have received a message from:_ **richbich**

 

richbich: any idea why steve just called be asking for a replacement for bucky's phone because "he scream threw it into the wall in shock and it shattered into a million pieces"???????

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :')


	14. YOU PIECE OF SHIT REPUBLICAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tony's just trying to be a god uncle okay he means well,,,,,,,

_You have entered the chat:_ **the avengers **™****

_You have changed the chat name to:_   **assassin baby :')**

 

richbich: listen up!!! everybody!!!! today's agenda is.......

 

richbich: steve. bucky, and natasha's spawn!!!

 

russianhoe: first of all bitch i was never an assassin i was a legally sanctioned hitman for shield

 

richbich: how is hitman any better??

 

russianhoe:...good point

 

patrioticsass: personally, i would like if u didn't call our unborn child an assassin baby/spawn

 

winteriscoming: i like it

 

patrioticsass: bucky???

 

winteriscoming: takes after their parents

 

richbich: ANYWAY

 

richbich: ever since natasha announced her pregnancy, i have been searching for names nonstop

 

richbich: for a girl, i like: britney, christina, gwen, mariah, or alicia

 

russianhoe: boi those are just the names of your favorite 90s-00s singers the fuck outta here 

 

richbich: shut!!!! the!!!! fuck!!!!! up!!!!!!

 

richbich: for a boy i like: mark, vladimir, ryan, marcus, garret, fredrik, or brandon

 

patrioticsass: those are the names of your favorite calvin klein models !!!

 

richbich: so??? what did u think your momma named you steve just because she felt like it?? no fuck you she named you after steve urkel

 

richbich: bucky was named after a god awful president

 

richbich: and nat was named after Natasha Richardson™

 

winteriscoming: can we all just chill????

 

russianhoe: yeah the kid is only a few weeks old lmao 

 

richbich: but you should think of a name before hand!! 

 

patrioticsass: actually you guys? i think it would be fun to think of names for our little munchkin :) 

 

winteriscoming:...fine 

 

russianhoe: if we're going to do this we should probs unblock thor bruce and clint 

 

richbich: ????????

 

richbich: THEY TURNED THIS GROUP CHAT INTO A DONALD TRUMP DEFENSE SQUAD™ FOR A WEEK FUCK THEM

 

russianhoe: TONY IT WAS A JOKE

 

richbich: NO IT WASNT

 

russianhoe: WHY DO YOU THINK THEY ENDED EVERY SENTENCE WITH "!!!1!1!!"

 

russianhoe: DO YOU HONESTLY THINK SWEET THOR WOULD _EVER_

 

richbich: oh god

 

richbich: @ thor im so sorry that an ugly bitch like me would ever say that oh my god

 

patrioticsass: ok im unblocking them!!

 

**patrioticsass** _has unblocked:_ **watchlikeahawk, imangry,** _and_ **mysticalhair**

 

watchlikeahawk: SWEET RELEASE

 

richbich: yeah you better not say donald trump in this group chat ever again motherfucker

 

mysticalhair: Hi Tony! I'm so sorry I would ever joke about that man's awfulness :'(

 

richbich: oh god thor no holy shit i was completely wrong i love you baby nothing will ever change that oh my fucking god

 

mysticalhair: :)

 

watchlikeahawk: what about me???

 

richbich: YOU DIRTY ASS CONSERVATIVE 

 

russianhoe: FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT REPUBLICAN

 

winteriscoming: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TEXTING US I THOUGHT YOU HAD AN APPOINTMENT AT THE WHITE HOUSE TO KISS DONALD TRUMP'S ASSHOLE

 

patrioticsass: OH SHIT CONGRATS ON YOU JOB AT FOX NEWS!!!

 

watchlikeahawk:...are you all done??

 

russianhoe: yeah lmao

 

imangry: what are we doing back here... i thought i was finally free from this hell...

 

richbich: no haha we're thinking of names for the baby!!

 

mysticalhair: Oh yes! Congratulations Steve, Bucky, and Natasha! I was so excited to hear the news!

 

russianhoe: aw thanks thor :)

 

patrioticsass: yes it's so exciting!!

 

winteriscoming: i fucking cry whenever i think about it

 

imangry: the baby is only about 5 weeks old... why are you thinking of names now??

 

patrioticsass: because 

 

richbich: BECAUSE WE NEED TO

 

imangry: damn ok

 

watchlikeahawk: well, if it's a boy, it should be donald. if it's a girl, melania or ivanka :)

 

**richbich** _has blocked_ **watchlikeahawk** _from entering this chat._

 

richbich: i warned him and he didn't fucking listen

 

mysticalhair: I have much experience with naming children!

 

winteriscoming: you named your niece hela after the goddess of death

 

mysticalhair: And Loki loved it!

 

russianhoe: anyway

 

patrioticsass: what about you bruce ??

 

imangry: hmmm

 

imangry: if its a boy,,,, phoenix

 

imangry: juniper for a girl

 

russianhoe: wow bruce those names aren't shitty !

 

imangry: thx

 

patrioticsass: juniper............................................................................................

 

patrioticsass: j u n i p e r

 

winteriscoming: steve ???!?!?!

 

patrioticsass: _Juniper_

 

mysticalhair: Steve, are you alright?

 

patrioticsass: I LOVE IT

 

russianhoe: STEVE

 

imangry: :)

 

winteriscoming: its a pretty cool name !!!

 

winteriscoming: except

 

richbich: except what?? juniper's a perfectly beautiful name??

 

russianhoe: we already named the kid whoops

 

richbich: KQWJHDBDHJQWDBJHWEBK

 

richbich: WHAT NAMES???? TELL ME???

 

patrioticsass: it's a secret tony !

 

patrioticsass: besides we aren't even sure if their definite

 

richbich: BUT YOU ENCOURAGED US GIVING THE KID A NAME!!!!!!!!!!!

 

imangry: tony calm down!

 

patrioticass: we're sorry to disappoint you but it just happened! besides, we may look upon his/her face and think of a completely different name then we already picked out....we just want a name that will suit our precious baby no matter what.... something that will capture just how amazing they are and how much we love them :)

 

winteriscoming: why am i crying lmao

 

russianhoe: im crying because i am pregnant and my hormones are all over the place...but fuck :)

 

mysticalhair: I can already tell how amazing you will be at raising your child :)

 

richbich:....i guess.....

 

imangry: im gonna be the most push-over uncle ever shit


	15. wow natasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when u get chased down by a murderous starbucks barista ft pregnancy cravings

_You have entered the chat:_ **the avengers™**

 

russianhoe: can someone pls get me starbucks

 

patrioticsass: of course nat :) what do u want!

 

russianhoe: a venti matcha green tea frappuccino made with soy milk, chips, and peppermint

 

patrioticsass: ....

 

patrioticsass: k

 

winteriscoming: natalia... can't we just get u one of those small espresso bottles that they have at like whole foods or something

 

russianhoe: sorry james but your demon spawn currently wants a venti machta green tea frappuccino made with soy milk, chips, and peppermint and it says that if you have a problem with that you can shove up your stretched asshole :)

 

winteriscoming: damn...........

 

richbich: natasha chill

 

russianhoe: sorry its just for the past 3 months all i have ever wanted was starbucks

 

russianhoe: and also chocolate croissants

 

richbich: i'll just have a starbucks stand built in ur building i'll just need your landlord's number

 

russianhoe: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY ADULT LIFE

 

patrioticsass: WAIT U CAN DO THAT???

 

richbich: of course i can... i have more money in a single strand of hair than you'll ever have in a lifetime. i'm pretty sure i can set up a damn coffee stand fuck u

 

patrioticsass: geez goddamn

 

winteriscoming: natasha im near this vegan bakery do u want anything from there ?

 

russianhoe: when would you ever be near a vegan bakery/restaurant thing ???? ur an unhealthy ass bitch

 

russianhoe: and i'm not even vegan???

 

winteriscoming: damn im jogging with sam do u want anything or not

 

winteriscoming: the place is called peacefood cafe you can find a menu online maybe

 

russian: i want a roasted japanese pumpkin sandwich

 

richbich: um what is that

 

russianhoe: step off tony you once showed up at headquarters eating a sandwich with just toothpaste and said "two in one". you were sober

 

richbich: it was efficient?? sorry for being such a life hack queen

 

winteriscoming: never say that again

 

winteriscoming: and i just got your sandwich and im heading towards your place

 

russianhoe: cool

 

richbich: hey does anyone know where steve is?? he hasn't said anything in this damn chat for like 25 mins

 

richbich: maybe he's running from an angry mob of starbucks baristas after he told them ur obnoxious ass order

 

russianhoe: fuck you

 

winteriscoming: im sure he's fine hahahaha :)

 

russianhoe: are u okay james

 

winteriscoming: yeah

 

wineriscoming: i mean my husband might be dead af but honestly im just watching riverdale and chilling lmfao

 

winteriscoming: steve rogers who???

 

patrioticsass: OMG GUYS

 

richbich: damn we thought you were dead

 

patrioticsass: oh lol no

 

patrioticsass: i just got chased down by this unstable barista after i gave her my starbucks order but im okay now :)

 

russianhoe: WHAT

 

winteriscoming: wow natasha your obnoxious starbucks order nearly killed my husband !!!!

 

richbich: steve why didn't your defend yourself? you were probs 8 times bigger than her?? you're a government trained assassin thing??

 

patrioticsass: first of all im not a fucking assassin we've been over this

 

patrioticsass: and i'd rather run away screaming from a woman than ever violently lay a hand on one :/

 

patrioticsass: but yeah she was very harmless ! she had a nice bow in her hair !

 

russianhoe: the feminist icon we deserve !!

 

winteriscoming: i'm just gonna pretend that this whole damn day didn't happen

 

winteriscoming: natalia let me in 

 

russianhoe: k

 

patrioticsass: wait for me!!!! im one block away!!!!!!!!

 

russianhoe: ok damn

 

russianhoe: we should watch the addams family values when u y'all get here rt if u agree

 

patrioticsass: rt!!!!

 

winteriscoming: rt rt rt rt rt rt rt rt rt rt rt

 

russianhoe: lit 

 

winteriscoming:...never say that again u broke ass stoner piece of shit

 

russianhoe: k

 

richbich: i've never seen the addams family values.....

 

russianhoe: BITCH IF U DON'T GET HERE IN FIVE MINUTES TO GET FUCKING EDUCATED ILL TAKE UR MULTI-BILLION DOLLOR BUSSINESS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS

 

richbich: THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE 

 

russianhoe: COME

 

richbich: OK

 

_Friday, 3:29 PM_

 

richbich: GUYS TURN ON THE NEWS

 

winteriscoming: no one gives a fuck whether or not your new starkpad 37362728  launched get the fuck outta here 

 

richbich: TRUST ME ON THIS

 

patrioticsass: which channel ???!!

 

richbich: FOX NEWS

 

russianhoe: ew no 

 

winteriscoming: fuck off u republican shit

 

richbich: FIRST OF ALL HOW DARE U INSINUATE THAT I AM A REPUBLICAN

 

winteriscoming: i didn't insinuate shit i fucking said it lmao

 

richbich: SECOND OF ALL I DONT GIVE A RATS ASS WHICH NEWS CHANNEL YOU PICK JUST TURN ONE ON

 

russianhoe: ok damn

 

winteriscoming: noah fence tony but i don't see how a starbucks barista being arrested for her crimes as nyc's most notorious murderer in years has anything to do with us

 

patriotcsass: um...

 

russianhoe: wait

 

russianhoe: steven grant, what was the name of the barista that chased you down

 

patrioticsass:...her name tag said michelle

 

richbich: AS IN MICHELLE GERRICK BITCH

 

richbich: THE MURDERER

 

winteriscoming: oh my fucking godddd

 

winteriscoming: steve you got chased down by a psychopathic murder and the only significant thing you noticed about her was the fucking bow she was wearing?!?!?!?

 

patrioticsass: oh wow im so sorry that i didn't immediately assume that the 5"2 120 pound starbucks barista chasing me was the new york butcher!!!

 

richbich: who dubs themselves the new york butcher.......stupid.....

 

russianhoe: y'know what??? im just happy you're alive steve

 

patrioticsass: :)

 

russianhoe: also can u please go to a whole food or something and get me a jar of dill pickles??

 

winteriscoming: he's !!!!!!! not !!!! leaving !!!!! this !!!!!!!! house !!!!!!! until !!!!!!!! i !!!!!!!! am !!!!!! finished !!!!!! freaking !!!!! the !!!!!! fuck !!!!!!! out !!!!!!!

 

russianhoe: i still need my dill fucking pickles james :)

 

winteriscoming:...i'll get you fried pickle chips from the stand outside

 

russianhoe:...deal

 


	16. ahhh!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh girl...get ready for some ANGST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i meant for this chapter to be funny and lighthearted but my hand slipped whoops ( ͡° ل͜ ͡°)

_You have entered the chat:_ **bitch!!!!!**

 

richbich: help!!!!!

 

richbich: i need help!!!!!

 

richbich: mayday mayday mayday mayday mayday !!!!

 

richbich: natasha i need u!!!!!

 

richbich: urgent!!!!

 

richbich: as in immediately please!!!!! 

 

richbich: i am lost and need an adult!!!!

 

richbich: something huge has happened!!!!!!!!

 

richbich: natasha wake up you fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!

 

richbich: sorry that last text was mean and uncalled for but i really need you to answer me!!!!!!!!!

 

richbich: A ! S ! A ! P !!!!!!

 

richbich: natasha !!!!!!

 

russianhoe: oh my god shut the fuck up 

 

richbich: i need help

 

russianhoe: yeah i know 

 

russianhoe: did you get your dick stuck in a pringles can again?

 

richbich: no!!!!!!

 

richbich: that never happened and how dare you accuse me of such a thing!!!! i detest it!!!!!!

 

russianhoe: the first and last time we used this chat you sent me 18 videos of you crying because you got your dick stuck in a pringles can what did you expect me to think???

 

richbich: that never happened!!!!!

 

richbich: also i made a huge decision that warranted serious thinking which i did not do and now idk what to do!!!!!

 

russianhoe: what did u stick ur dick in a barbecue pringles can instead of a sour cream and onion one?

 

richbich: natasha!!!!!

 

russianhoe: damn sorry lmfao

 

russianhoe: ok fr what is it

 

richbich: i adopted a baby!!!!!!!

 

richbich: natasha???

 

richbich: NATASHA

 

russianhoe: k im back i just needed to get a chocolate milk

 

russianhoe: explain

 

richbich: wait you aren't mad or at least a tad bit concerned??

 

russianhoe: angry???? no

 

russianhoe: concerned???? yes

 

russianhoe: the thought of you caring for a small fragile being when you can barely care for yourself is giving me gray hairs

 

richbich: ok i can't argue with that

 

russianhoe: can you just confirm to me that the child is content and not starving and/or in a diaper filled with it's own feces??

 

richbich: yes!!

 

russianhoe: k now start explaining yourself

 

richbich: ok so u know how pepper broke up with me and how im engaging in mind-blowing sex with gorgeous men and women to ignore my emotions??

 

russianhoe: ...yes

 

richbich: well i spent a night with a woman named mary and the next morning i woke up to her crying

 

richbich: when i went to comfort her she told me about how her husband died and how she is now all alone with her son

 

richbich: she said she didn't want him

 

russianhoe: :(

 

richbich: then she pulled up pictures of the little guy and... idk i just fell in love with him i guess

 

richbich: she tole me his name is peter benjamin parker, he's 6 months old, and he's the sweetest and happiest and cutest baby ever to be born

 

russianhoe: he sounds amazing, tony

 

richbich: he is :)

 

richbich: she told me that she couldn't love him. that whenever she looks at him all she sees is her husband. she told me she was going to put him in the system as soon as she got the chance

 

richbich: i don't know if it's because i didn't want this sweet kid to be ruined by neglect like i was or end up having shitty parents like howard and maria 

 

richbich: but i said i would take him

 

richbich: and she said yes

 

richbich: and now i have a baby boy

 

russianhoe: tony...you're going be a great father

 

richbich: are you sure? you know what they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree

 

russianhoe tony. what are you saying?

 

richbich: im saying that im fucking terrified that i made the wrong choice. im fucking terrified that im gonna end up like howard and completely ruin this kid

 

richbich: im saying i don't want him to end up like me

 

richbich: i can't

 

richbich: i can't do that to him. never. fucking never

 

russianhoe: tony stark

 

richbich: spare me the lecture natasha i don't fucking need it ok

 

russianhoe: fine

 

russianhoe: here's what we're going to do

 

russianhoe: im going to get several gallons of any ice cream i can find at the local 24 hour mart

 

russianhoe: i'll take a taxi to your place where you are going to introduce me to your son (who i would hope is sleeping rn) and watch me cry over how small and cute he is

 

russianhoe: and then we are going to watch every disney movie you have in your collection and have a deep, emotional conversation about our childhood traumas and how they don't define us

 

russianhoe: ok?

 

richbich:...ok

 

richbich: i don't think you should come though...

 

russianhoe: why not?

 

richbich: because you're 5 months pregnant!!! you're basically ready to push the lil thing out of your vagina!!! you need rest!!!

 

russianhoe: first of all i am nowhere near giving birth okay?? she isn't going to be here for a while so you need to calm the fuck down

 

russianhoe: second of all, i am not letting my pregnancy get in the way of being there for the people i love

 

richbich: nat...

 

russianhoe: don't mention it

 

richbich: i love you too

 

russianhoe: :)

 

richbich: wait a minute

 

richbich: DID YOU SAY SHE??!?!?!

 

richbich: YOU'RE HAVING A GIRL?!?!?!

 

russianhoe: ...i went to my 20 week ultrasound alone and i had them tell me the sex

 

richbich: i thought you wanted it to be a surprise?!?!?

 

russianhoe: i couldn't wait....

 

russianhoe: DON'T TELL STEVE AND BUCKY OKAY I STILL WANT TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE GENDER REVEAL PARTIES THAT WHITE PEOPLE HAVE 

 

richbich:...only if you let me choose the kid's name

 

russianhoe: middle name

 

russianhoe: but even then i'd have to ask steve and bucky whether or not they feel comfortable with you naming their first born

 

richbich:...i'll take it

 

russianhoe: okay :)

 

russianhoe: im almost at yours

 

russianhoe: but i have a question

 

richbich: shoot

 

russianhoe: am i the only one who knows about peter?

 

richbich: so far, yes

 

russianhoe: why did you only tell me?

 

richbich: natasha...i trust you. you're one of the most loyal and caring people i know despite what you went through as a kid. and like i said, i love you. you're like an annoying little sister to me

 

russianhoe: fukc....ur making me cry

 

russianhoe: my uber driver is looking at me with sincere concern 

 

russianhoe: .....and i love you too. even though i said it before

 

richbich: well no you implied it

 

russianhoe: ok fine

 

russianhoe: do you want to let me the fuck in in???? 

 

richbich: wait natasha...thank you again

 

russianhoe: no problem :)

 

russianhoe: but seriously the rocky road is leaking against my thigh and i have .1872633 seconds before i lose my shit

 

richbich: coming!!!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so as you can guess the chapters usually have a bit of a time jump between ranging from a week-a few months so yeah. but we now know the sex of nat, steve, and bucky's baby!!!!


	17. update: i fucked up lmao

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which yours truly....fucked up..... ft. oversharing and some good news!!

Hi everybody! So basically, I wrote this super long chapter that I was incredibly proud of, and I accidentally uploaded it twice (shout out to spaceprincesam for bringing that to my attention, by the way). I deleted one of the chapters, thinking that they were both identical, but I was very wrong. I deleted the completed version of the chapter, and kept the unfinished one. I only noticed my mistake about five minutes ago, and I am super sad that I don't have the chapter saved anywhere (please save your work before you post it, it will save much heartbreak).

 

Anyway, enough of my excuses.

 

I have some good news!

 

From now on, I am planning on having a regular update schedule! Specifically, I will be posting a new chapter every Saturday, 12:00 AM. 

 

I would like to apologize in advance for any missed updates, since I know it is bound to happen. My life is extremely chaotic at the moment, especially since my wife and I are trying to get pregnant. Technically, we are trying to successfully artificially inseminate my wife since we can not biologically create life together, but we are both incredibly ready to have a baby in our lives :)

 

And no, I am not embarrassed that I, a married 24 year-old woman, writes Marvel crack fanfiction in her spare time. 

 

Thank you guys for putting up with my bullshit and lateness I love you all <3 <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am most likely going to regret oversharing shit like this !!! lmao nvm i don't care


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